Your daughters are beautiful

I hope you who read this are not thinking to your self... geez doesn't she have something good to say for once. The truth is, there is always something good to say, but I feel like its the hard things that people NEVER say. That is why I share my struggles, so that maybe someone else can connect and realize that they are not alone with their thoughts! And it helps me, to get my thoughts out and leave them outside of my head, it's almost as if when I put them out in the world they lose their power over me. Anyways! I just wanted to get that off my chest =)
My newest struggle(isn't it sad that we can never just be happy, why do we ALWAYS have to be struggling with something?) is something that I feared would happen. As a woman I have always been plagued with poor self confidence and discontent with myself. Never able to accept a compliment. When I was pregnant with Gabby, I couldn't help but think to myself, (PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME ON THIS)I was always thinking, I PRAY that she looks like her dad, I used to make jokes about it masking my feelings with humor. Now that Layla is here, I feel the same way. People are always saying to me "She looks EXACTLY like you" and inside I can't help but cringe, I know this sounds terrible, but when you have experiences such lack of self esteem and criticism on the way you look its hard to not let that creep in. Now dealing with that on my own is one thing, but the fear I have is that my daughters will look in the mirror and feel the same way I do when I look in the mirror. Now believe me, I think my daughters are beautiful, they have a innocent sparkle in their eyes and beautiful hair and smiles that light up a room, and they know that I think they are beautiful. I just struggle with the fear that I will mess them up, with my own issues. Now I understand that you are all thinking "Well you just have to build them up, their worth doesn't come from their looks blah blah blah" I get that, but as a girl, we obviously tend to have issues with our looks from the society that we live in forcing their unrealistic opinions on us. I WILL build them up, I WILL tell them they are worth LOVING, I WILL tell them they are beautiful.. Inside first and Outside. I will tell them they were made with LOVE, and that LOVE will never waiver. I just hope its enough...

Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Light

So I have been feeling seriously bogged down. Crazy life we are living right now, and don't get me wrong we have plenty to be extremely thankful for, but I could just feel a sense of heaviness and lack of joy. I dread waking up in the morning, dread taking care of my cranky children, dread going shopping, dread cooking supper... cleaning... basically anything that requires my to move from the couch, and with two kids to care for a house to look after and clients nearly everyday lets be honest, I hardly get to sit on the couch that I would like to never get off of.... ok... all this to say.. I have been down, this dark weather doesn't help. The days get shorter, which feels like there is no escape from our house. I seem to go in a cycle, down, even more down, really really down, then I find a crack of light, and I hold on to that trying to navigate my way from the darkness. This morning that crack came in the form of a music channel on my tv. We have "galaxy music" channels on our tv and I was actually searching for something for the kids to listen to instead I found "light". This is a christian music channel and although some of the music was lame, I immediately felt LIGHTER. which turned me to my computer to bring up some of my favorite music. I YOUTUBED hillsong and put it on the TV blaring words like "all of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" "Should I stumble again, still I'm caught in your grace" "Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fails"
I often wonder if I am the only one that deals with depression, deep down I know that I am not alone, however there doesn't seem to be any support for those that do. Non intentionally people make me feel like a bad parent because at any moment I could lose my mind. Now I can tell you that by now if I have not lost my mind it is only by God's Grace that I hold it together, even if I am holding only by a thread. I remind myself when I am in the deep deep down place that the light is still there, It never leaves. I just have to search for it, and once I find it I am free. Listening to music reminds me deep in my soul the truth that I live by. "I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ, so firm on his promise I'll stand"
Today I have found my light, hopefully it will shine bright for a while, Inevitably I will find myself in the dark place again, maybe next time I will remember to sing praise and quickly shine light in my dark place.

PICTURES

Ok, so the blog wouldn't let me add pictures for some reason so here they are!

Fresh feeling

It's amazing how quickly the feeling of complacency can take over your life. To me, change is necessary. I have been feeling the need for change for a while, a long while. And its hard to know how much change will satisfy your soul, so I started with my hair, that worked for a few days. Then it was onto our bedroom, which I had been wanting to change for a while.. fixed it with a new coat of paint and a slight furniture rearrangement. *SIGH* that feels better.. for now.. Then I was feeling EXTREMELY unhappy with our house, the inside anyways. Is there ever something that you wish that you could do, that you think that can't be that hard. Yet when you try to do it, you just can't! Well decorating is that way for me, I LOVE The thought of decorating a room and making it magical, yet when I look at our house I am completely overwhelmed. So after getting more frustrated than any human being should be about her home we decided to "just start moving things around".... 4 hours later, we were still moving things and even more frustrated! WHY IS THIS SPACE SUCH A CHALLENGE!! I want my home to be beautiful and make me feel good when I walk through the door, not annoyed. So we finally found a way that suits for now, and I feel a little better, now the next thing is to start the daunting task of painting... what color.. where to put everything... where to put the kids so they don't get into the paint... on and on it goes. I will settle for the small victories now, but I am not giving up on the big picture! My newest passion is to find the hidden gems in thrift stores, or make things better that we already have in our home. For example, I was wanting new lamps, but instead of going to walmart to buy some generic lame ones... umm... like we already have lol, I decided to go hunting for some unique pieces to add some character to our home, and I found a great lamp shade for 3 dollars!!! I am not trying to say that I find joy in materialistic things, but more that you need to surround yourself with things and people that make you feel good. Waking up in the morning and being surrounded by things I love makes me smile, and walking out of our bedroom and seeing my beautiful children playing in a home that I have created makes my heart feel tingly. So onward on this journey I go, working on the inner me and the outer surroundings as well! I will keep you posted on the progress! for now here are some pictures

Grace,
Ok... your probably sick of me commenting lol but I just can't help it =) I feel like I am SO on this journey with you.... well... ok you maybe be running, and starting to be active and I am just sitting at the computer reading about your accomplishments but in spirit I am there with you =) I am sorting out the mental game of this chapter of my life. Its devastatingly hard to take a real look at what is going on inside and outside of my body. Jealousy is my worst enemy, and it's not something that I like about myself. I have learned to be "openly jealous" if that makes any sense, I am not one to keep my feelings inside (clearly) and it helps me to not internalize my feelings and therefor feel fake. Now I would never try to make anyone feel uncomfortable with my jealousy, usually it comes out in a complimentary factor but its still there lining my words with pain of the things I cannot have. "WOW your house is beautiful, I would love to have a house like this" "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC, share your secrets to losing the baby weight!! I can't seem to get rid of it!" "It's so great that you spend so much time with your kids reading and playing, I wish I had the time to play with them like that"... you know, the classics. Right now I feel like I am stuck in the middle, everyone say's "you have to give yourself time" I realize this but how much is enough time and when do you say enough and get your butt moving. The thing that I can't stand is that I already feel active... Maybe not like "going for a 5 km run everyday" kind of active, because I can hardly make it around my block but like most mom's I am on my feet from 7:30-9 literally without sitting down, I run around cleaning, taking care of the kids, working from home, cleaning again, making supper, cleaning again, getting the kids ready for bed and then by 8:30-9 once everything is quiet and I have had my first chance to sit.... working out is not my first choice.... now I just have to figure out a way to fix this problem, any suggestions? and I know most people think, Get your husband to help you!! But my husband is a dear, and he does help me, maybe not as much as he could, but more than most I would say. He also has a lot on his plate and trying to find time to help me more than he already does, seems like a task all in itself!
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO anyways enough of my pity party, all that too say that I am definitely in a weird place right now, like I said, in the middle. I am going to allow myself more time, but I am also working on a plan, I think that if I plan enough and work with our schedules I can MAKE time for myself! I am determined to "be happy with myself" to me I don't want to lose a certain amount of weight, I think I just want to feel balanced, in all areas of my life, and that definitely means making more "me time" and that would be great for that to include a workout from time to time =) I think that I just want to find things that I ENJOY to do, not just working out for the sake of losing weight, I just want to focus on meeeeeeeeeee... just for a minute, then I will get back to the cleaning, cooking, wiping dirty bums, disciplining, more cleaning, working ....then repeat...

it's just as easy to be kind

Have you ever had someone speak untruth's about you, and accuse you of things that simply did not happen. Did you let it roll off or did it sneak in and set root in your spirit? Someone put me in a situation that made me feel attacked and backed into a corner, and somehow, this has now somehow shaped my confidence. It creeps out of the dark and catches me when I least expect it, accusation and doubt of my character. Even though I TRULY know who I am, it's amazing the power of people's words, how one persons defamation of character can make you question the person that you have spent 25 years shaping. This is not the first time someone has spoken this way about me, and It will not be the last. Some people feel better about themselves by attacking others, and in the past I have worked to not let the words take hold, but sometimes, just sometimes they creep up and smack me in the face. today has been one of those days. So I am now trying to remind myself of who I am, and who I am in the Lord. This NO ONE can take from me. spread the love people....

Today I am reminded of someone I never had the chance to know, someone that never had the chance to watch me grow, accomplish and learn. Someone that will never meet my wonderful husband, never hug and kiss my precious children, never witnessed me graduate, marry and bring life into the world. I am reminded that the person that wanted me more than anything in the world was taken from me without a goodbye. I am sad today.
I am told stories of how my mom tried SO hard to have a girl, now I have two older amazing brothers that she loved equally, but they were not mummy's little girl. I am told of the books that she read, the old wives tales she believed and the miscarry's she endured to get to me, I am told she would have done anything to have a girl.... to have me. To know that someone will love you this much, makes me feel special, unfortunately I have very few memories of this love, and as I have grown the only thing I have ever wanted was to share my life with her, to feel that love, to see her smile with pride of her little girl. I hold close the memories I have and as I hit these major milestones in my life I realize that she is still here, watching my story unfold.
I don't think it is any coincidence that I have two girls, that was the plan for me. However it pains me to know that she will never have the special love for them that grandmas only have. She will never spoil them and spend special time with them, telling them stories, and teaching them the things she would have taught me.
I cannot be mad about what happened, I refuse to live that way, tying to place blame that cannot be placed. But I can be sad, not every day, but once and a while, I will be sad.... today I am sad
*hold tight the ones you love*


*sorry for such a glum post, just sharing my story *

windy road

So I am coming to realize that life is not easy.... I know what your thinking... uh, ok captain obvious. But I truly mean that, not in the silly obvious way, but deeper than that. Learning to walk the windy road and not always be able to see around the corner is not an easy task, and sometimes it's rewarding when you get to the other side of the bend, and some times its just another up hill stretch, so you take a deep breath and keep on walking. This is where I am. I thought we were going to come to a flat stretch and we would be able to enjoy the walk for a while, but slowly the corner came and now that we are to the other side it's looking like another climb. This might sound a little hokey pokey to you and you might be wondering... why are you walking so much lol. It's the only way I can describe what I am feeling. I look at my life as a journey, and to be on a journey you must move, therefor I picture myself walking... maybe even jogging (said with my best anchorman voice "jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild") ANYWAYS =) The lesson I am learning is that life is not easy... sometimes it's hard, and there is not reward, but that does not mean that you just stop the journey, you must keep walking.
The things I am thankful for are that along this journey I am not alone, I have a wonderful husband to keep my company and keep the journey fun, even climbing the hills we can always find something to laugh about, and my kids they are my reason to keep walking, because around every bend in this windy journey I am on, they are changing, growing and learning along with me and Dave, and that is a beautiful thing. To teach them that life is hard and you do not always enjoy the things going on around you, but you keep strong and have faith that you will always be taken care of and you are loved buy Dave and I and a Father that will always catch you if you stumble and be your comfort along the way.
Then just when you were getting used to the pace of the uphill climb, you turn another corner and there it is... the flat beautiful calm place your reward for your perseverance. Here is where I find myself now, I thought we were at the top of the hill, ready to relax, but this is not the case, another hill awaits. So with faith that our perseverance to move along this journey will be honored, we press on!!! Unknowing what awaits us, but happy to be learning together as a family.

case of the mondays.. or is it?

Never did I imagine that I would think to myself, I wish I was a selfish person. I wish I valued myself enough to put myself first, in any given situation. I find myself doing the complete opposite. I get an A+ for being a people pleaser, this it to my own detriment. I find myself run down, exhausted, and pretending like I am a fun person to be around, instead of actually taking care of myself and investing the time it takes to be at your best so you are genuinely fun to be around. I then think people will not want to hang out with me because all I talk about are my kids, and my busy busy life, I'm not exciting or interesting, just stressed and lame. So the question is, when is it ok to be "selfish"? How do you draw this line in your life and make it concrete so that you hold yourself to being first for once. My line is very fragile. I have not figured out what the root of that problem is, is it that I'm too generous? Don't value myself enough? Care too much about what others think to say no? It could be one of these, or all of them along with a handfull of many other things, But what is the answer? how to you begin to make yourself a priority in your own schedule? I have a calendar and there are names and times filling everyday till you can hardly read what they say anymore, and yet no where amongst the scribbling is the name Kelsey. Sad really. Not that I am trying to feel sorry for myself, its easy to write your name down. The problem is that if anyone else were to ask for that space how easily would you give it up?
I need some balance, without guilt. I need to not feel guilty for leaving my husband at home for an evening so I can go out for a coffee, or for saying no to a haircut because I want to spend time with my kids, or for switching Layla to formula because I cannot nurse her anymore even though I was told "oh that's the worst possible thing you could give her" by someone carelessly judging the kind of formula I am giving her. Was that supposed to uplift me in my heartbreaking decision to give up nursing? anyways.... Enough is enough. So If you ever feel like you need some "you" time and you are looking for a companion CALL ME and make me come lol =) Thanks for listening friends.. I feel better

kids say the funniest things =)

So in all my effort to surprise Dave for his Bday(and let's be honest, it wasn't really a whole lot of effort) My lovely 2 year old spills the beans! OK so here's a little back story...
For those that know us, Dave and I have always treated our "holiday gift giving" a little differently. When you don't have a lot of $$$$ the thought of just spending $$ you don't have on gifts you don't really want or need seems a little silly to us, and we all know that being a young married couple with young kids there is always something that you want or need that costs more $$$ than you are willing to spend... enter our agreement... those BIG splurges that cost a years worth of little silly gifts you would have bought for each other now are attainable without credit cards and debt to follow! Now there is always an exception to the rule, If there is something one of us truly wants or needs then obviously it's not a big deal, we just budget accordingly. This brings us to the Gigantic playhouse we ever so spontaneously purchased a little while ago that took a lovely little chunk out of our gift $$$. So we agreed that the beautiful and costly new Nixon watch that Dave wanted for his gift for fathers day and his bday would be forgotten and the playhouse was a family collaboration that we were going to get for the girls.... que the surprise element... so for fathers day we settled that Dave would still get a new pair of shoes(not sure how I got weasled into that one!) and then somehow I was feeling guilty for not really doing anything for his bday, ok we went for supper... a maybe I used a 2for 1 coupon at supper =) so truly not a whole lot was spent on his bday. I got to thinking this is a great opportunity to surprise him with something that he did really want in the first place. So yesterday morning while dave was at work I quickly packed the girls up, picked up Carling and set off to the mall to buy him his new favorite toy. Gabby was very excited that it was "daddy's birthday" and that we were going to get him a "present" and then she helped me pick the "watch"(you may be wondering why I put these words in quotes, but for anyone that has little kids I think you know how they just LOOOVEEE new words =). Soooooo, Watch in tow we packed back up again and were on our way home only to find that Dave came home from work early and was home when we got there, so I quickly made up an excuse and acted like nothing was going on to keep the surprise intact. HOWEVER my lovely child thought it would be a great idea to share the news with Daddy =) She was so excited that he was home that she ran over to him giving him a hug and said "Daddy we got you a present!!!! " so proud of herself.. Daddy asks "oh is it this hug?" "NO daddy a watch" I just love the innocent excitement of this child... Daddy was a good sport and pretend he didn't hear anything, much like Mummy pretended the same. Dinner was good, that's where I gave Dave his surprise, not so surprise watch. He still was excited and obviously loved it. Now the lesson is learned, these kids are smarter than we think. Watch what you say because they are always watching and listening in, ready to repeat their new favorite words =) .... let's just say I'm glad she chose present and watch instead of something else that might have slipped from my mouth =)

sparkling clean bathroom

I just thought I would give you a little insight into a two year old's mind. The other day I caught Gabby in the bathroom playing with the toilet cleaning brush and of course I nearly jumped out of my skin, grabbed it from her and told her "Gabby we don't play with this it's very dirty and its only to clean the toilet ok." I should have know better =) This morning I walked in on Gabby being so helpful and "cleaning" the whole bathroom for me with the lovely toilet brush... perfect. Oh well, nothing a little scrubbing on my hands and knees won't take care of I guess.. of the curious mind of a two year old =) Happy cleaning day to me!

sex and the city

Last night I was able to have a night out with a great friend to go see the sex and the city 2 movie! It was good, but there was one particular part of the movie that really stood out in my mind. For you mom's if you have seen it you may know where I am going with this... ok a little back story.. one of the characters Charlotte who is sort of an uptight, by the book, very conservative lady has 2 children, one that is adopted and then a 2 year old baby of their own. Now, she is the kind of person that insists that everthing is "just fine" and she has it all under control, she has a full time nanny and 2 year old that screams ALL THE TIME. This is Charlotte. So in the movie Charlotte is constantly putting on her "perfect mom" face and is unable to really have an honest moment to say how she really feels..... and let's be honest... we all know how she feels =) there are two significant moments in the movie that I want to share, the first one is this... Charlotte is in the kitchen making cupcakes with her older daughter, trying to ice them with one hand, screaming child on the other hip, and on the phone with her friend. the older daughter is trying to get her attention and ends up putting her hands in red paint and touching Charlotte's white skirt.... enter meltdown.... she puts the 2 year old down in her highchair and locks herself in the pantry to cry, the kids are both crying and the oldest is trying to get into the pantry to get to her mom. Finally the nanny enters and saves the day... stressful moment to say the least! the second is this. The group is finally in the middle east, which is where the majority of the movie takes place, Charlotte and Miranda are staying in while the other two women have gone out for the night, and after a long day Charlotte and Miranda are having a drink and Miranda(the only other woman with a child) tells Charlotte to be honest and get her feelings out without any judgment... Charlotte finally has a breakthrough and says what she and probably most moms are feeling... well at least me =) She says that sometimes when she can't stand it anymore she leaves the 2 year old to cry in her room because she just won't stop, that she doesn't know how women do it without a nanny full time, and that she felt guilty for enjoying not having her kids around on this trip.
In this moment I was cheering on the inside, Now for those who know me I am not one of these pretend moms. If I am having a bad day, unfortunately you will know it, I am not graced with the perfect mom persona. I love my children dearly, however my children get on my nerves. I have a 2 and a half year old and a baby that doesn't sleep or stop crying for the most part. Now, I am not complaining, but I feel entitled to feel the way that I do. This whole being a mother thing is not easy, no one said it is and I am up for the challenge, but I will NOT pretend like I am having a perfect day when I have had 3 hours of sleep and have a non-stop day ahead of me dealing with all that goes on in my home and a screaming baby on top of that. I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for support. I don't want to hear "oh it's fine, they are good girls" I want to hear, "I'm here for you, is there anything I can do to help you and lighten your load" I know there are many of you that are in my same position right now, thinking, there has to be an end to this! Dave and I were saying the other day that we can't wait till our girls are a little older and we can do things like go sit on the sidelines of their soccer games with our lawn chairs and coffee, and really enjoy watching them have fun rather than "dealing with them." It's not like this everyday.. there are glimmers of calm.. but for right now we are in survival mode!! Now I am blessed beyond and this I am aware of, there are a lot of worse situations than mine, I have healthy vibrant children... they just are a little cranky =) I just think that as mothers we need to be validated that raising children is not easy and not always enjoyable either... yes I said it... not enjoyable. If we all said how we truly feel we might be able to find comfort in one another lighten the burden of feeling like the worst mother ever for feeling the way we do. Feeling like your not cutting it because you can't handle it when they cry all day, or like you don't measure up because you can't get your 2 year old to stop having tantrums and running away from you, or you are a failure because you can't get them potty trained, the list goes on and on as to why I feel like a failure, BUT regardless of how much of a failure I feel like, deep down I have peace because I KNOW I am a good mother, I love my children I care for them and their needs, despite my frustration, I would do anything for them regardless of how much sleep I have had and how bad of a mood I am in. I will get through, and they will be happy well rounded girls one day.. I will get to the other side of this fog!! One day at a time! Let's be a listening ear to each other, without judgment and without a sense of "I can do it, why can't she get it together?" We all have different struggles and different ways of dealing with things. We need grace and love to get through this!!! Let's just say that if anyone needs a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear, I AM HERE!! I may be in the pantry crying when you call...but eventually I will come out and face reality again... Then I will call you back =) xox

wandering

Picture this...
You are walking in a deep valley, there is a faint shimmer of light sprinkling in over the sharp edges of rock that surround you, You climb over fallen rocks, trying to reach the place where the walls will crumble and the rolling green hills will be all you will see for miles. You can breathe the crisp air around you and feel the warmth of the faint rays of light cascading in, revealing only that with every step you take all you can see is more of the same dark damp walls of stone that close you in. However you do realize that at least you have the sun shining, It could be raining, dark, and you could be alone. Now in many ways you are alone, you haven't seen a soul for days and in the still quiet all you hear are your own thought of "will this ever end, I cannot walk like this forever." Then you hear like a whisper in the wind.... "I will hold you when you can't walk anymore, I will catch you if you stumble on the hurdles that surround you" At first you question "who's there?where are you? How do I get out of here!!?" A soft sweet voice you hear now, so close you feel as though someone is standing right behind you "follow me..."

"If your heart wears thin, I will hold you up, and I will hide you, when it get's too much, I'll be right beside you nobody will break you...."

For this I am thankful....

making the best of it

After 5 years of marriage I have begun to learn a valuable lesson. You see there is this old saying that I am sure you are familiar with "opposites attract." Now in our case this was not true to begin with, Dave and I had the same interests in music, sports, and many other things. Now as we all know people grow up, views change, interests change, kids happen and you can't always do or think the same way that you did when you were a teenager. Now to get to the lesson! We have been finding that as we have gotten older our priorities and personalities have changed, therefor affecting the way we make decisions and go about our everyday life. David and I make decisions very differently, neither way is better than the other they are just vastly different, to be honest I was beginning to think... Is this going to be a problem? However with a lot of thought and some encouragement from my dear husband I have realized that even though we have grown into somewhat different people than when we first met 8 years ago, we still compliment each other, it's just in a different way. Here is the lesson, Opposites do work, it's knowing how to make them work that is the tricky part. We have learned that instead of each being entitled to "our own opinion" and using only ones idea, we rather need to scramble our ideas together to make an EVEN BETTER IDEA, (as if our original wasn't awesome enough)=) Now this doesn't come easy, it takes much discussion and debate and serious PATIENCE usually on my part =)

I have been battling with this feeling of separation for a while, not feeling good enough for my husband, not smart enough, not interesting enough and definitely not exciting enough(anymore =) ) Worried that he would want to subconsciously fill this lame wife role with someone "more like him" someone that thought like him and was a dreamer like him. However I was brought back out of pityville with three little words.... "I need YOU" ...... OF COURSE YOU NEED ME!!! what the heck was I thinking!!!! it's amazing the power of the mind when you are feeling down about yourself and possibly about your circumstance, where your mind goes, and you are ever so willing to follow it. Jeepers I am ashamed to even have thought that Dave could have found someone better than ME!!!!! lol ok maybe I am a little conceded now, but let me explain. I believe with all my heart that God brought David and I together for a reason, we are meant to be. We cannot be naive and think that we will be the same people when we are 30, 50, 80 and let me tell you I plan on still being married to the same man that stole my heart so many years ago when I am 80, So we need to learn to adapt our marriages as we grow, to compliment our changing personalities. Find new interests that can be enjoyed together, and ultimately a new and deeper love for one another as you overcome hurdles together. *deep breath* now I feel better. I am not saying that my marriage is perfect, I just thought I would share a little tidbit of insight that we have learnt as of late =) I love my husband, my children and I am learning to love myself the way I am. I believe I am the way God intends me to be and I do not need to try to be who I THINK Dave needs me to be. He needs me to be me and nothing else. ok... I'm done ranting and raving now =) feel free to carry on with your day !! Thanks for stopping by

new reality

So I am vividly aware of the new, hopefully temporary, reality of my life. No sleep, chaos and time flying by before my eyes. I don't mean that there isn't laughs and smiles and lot's of love along the way too, but these things are not new and were always there to begin =)
I really feel like as mom's we feel like we need to have it all together, seem like we have the perfect family and it all under control. I however am far from this =) and I am not ashamed to say it. I humbly admit that raising children is not easy, not glamorous and not always fun. I am not one to pretend to be something that I am not, I am very honest and very open with my feelings. If I am stressed and overwhelmed you will see it all over my face. Sorry to my husband who is extremely aware of this, and loves me in spite of it.
I am lucky enough to have an amazing group of friends, some with kids and some without that hear me out without judgment and give their support and love no matter what the circumstances. I feel for those women who don't have that support and get up everyday, feeling the need to paint their mask of "togetherness" and portray something other than their genuine self. Now I am not saying that sometimes we don't have to restrain how we feel.. there are many times I feel like having a tantrum and roll on the floor screaming and crying right along side my 2 year old, but let's be honest someone would probably take my kids away if I did that =) So there are times when we pretend to be in control just to keep it together and salvage what little sanity we have left, I get this.
On the flip side, there are some mom's who ACTUALLY do have it all together... The minority of women that fall into this category can just disregard what I have to say, carry on with your day and be supermom. I sometimes wish that I can be this kind of mom, organized, not in sweatpants, happy to be taking care of children, wiping bums and runny noses all day. When I look in the mirror, the person looking back at me does not quite match this description.. I see a greasy ponytail, spit up on my shirt and dark bags under my eyes. My new personal goal is to get myself together enough to somewhat resemble the woman that my lovely husband vowed to love and be with forever, I feel like I owe him at least this =) Now back to my point... As much as I wish to be Supermom, My reality is that I can only be Gabby and Layla's mom, however that may look. I need to be ok with being the best mom for them and not for society. If I don't get out of my pajamas and my hair is in a greasy ponytail, as long as their needs are met and they know that we love them, then I think that my job as a mom is done. and done well! ... Now.. back to those motherly duties I love so much, I hear a baby stirring that needs to be fed!
As a last thought, I hope that all the mom's out there would be proud of whatever kind of mom that they are capable of being. We need to stop comparing each other and embrace who we are. I hope that we can support each other and love each other EVEN when we are in dirty sweatpants all day long =)

not funny

Today is the day that I think I might have lost my mind officially. Let me paint a little picture for you...
After a long night of roughly 3-4 hours of sleep, my gracious husband informed me that he would stay home to take care of the girls and allow me to get some rest. Little did I know this day would turn into anything but restful. I decided that I would take advantage of him being home and run quickly into town to superstore to pick up the things we needed for family coming into town for Easter. I thought to myself, great It will be so much easier without the girls. I can get in and out and get home to rest for the rest of the day..... hmmmm not so much.
I arrive at superstore and have taken Dave's car and left him the truck with the car seats, I go to get my cart and realise there is an older man that is yanking on his cart trying to get it loose. I offer to help because I have found myself in the same situation before and this is no way to start your time at the chaos that we call superstore. I free the cart for him and get my own, head into the store race around to get my things, make it to the till without too much damage to my credit card and then head for the door. Now I have never lost anything before. Never my wallet, phone, or keys so to my horror I am rummaging around in my purse to find no keys.... panic sets in. This is not what I need on this day of utter exhaustion. I push my cart outside searching around on the ground thinking I may have dropped it when I was so kindly helping a stranger. Why is karma not on my side? NO key. I return to the store and circle the same round 300000 times and still no key, I call dave, pretty much full panic attack now. "Tired hormonal crazy lady in aisle 3" I hear come over the speakers.. ok I added that part, but Im sure they were close to that when I got on my hands and knees and went up and down the aisles looking underneath all of the shelving to see if someone had kicked it underneath... still nothing. I am at a loss. Now normally to any sane person this would be not such a big deal, to me, on the brink of insanity, exhausted and overly emotional, this is the end of the world. It would also be much easier to deal with this moment if I knew at home there was a sweet little back up key sitting waiting to be brought to me and solve all my problems.. no such luck either. We decided to buy a stupid car with an electric key and no back up. Now this lovely car of ours is also a royal pain to tow as well because it is an all wheel drive and the wheels are all locked without the key.. great. we need a special flat bed truck and even with this truck they have to drag the car to get it on top. Rad. So as the $$$$$ are adding up in my mind, I am tinkering with the thought of never leaving the house again and becoming a hermit. I feel like a failure and I usually pride myself on being very organized and on top of things, not so much anymore. Im not sure if it is just me or if other mom's lost their minds when the had their kids, mine has not returned and I am debating on wether it will or if I am doomed to a life of forgetting, losing and ultimately being frustrated with myself over these things. .... here is where I find myself, no brain, no car, no self asteem, and out a lot of money to put the cherry on top of my day. What did I do to deserve this again? Oh thats right, I helped a stranger in need... hmmm that doesn't add up. I guess that's the way life is though, not always adding up. So now I am at home, trying to calm down and take care of those that cannot take care of themselves. Its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are in a place like this in your life, But I am holding on to the thought that somewhere in this darkness there is indeed some light... now just to find it

time flies

Wow, 3 weeks have come and gone and we are rapidly approaching the fourth week of life for our new baby Layla. I have sat down a few times at the computer set out to post a new blog and time after time have found myself at a loss for words. Who knew a major life change like this would leave me speechless? I thought I would have stories and questions and updates to share, but all that comes to mind is.. well.. nothing. Not sure if this is good or bad, but I am going to take it as good! I guess it could be much worse! I guess I can just report that all is well with our new babe, and Gabriella is adjusting really well to her new sister.
I have been fortunate enough to have had Nana here for the last 3 weeks to help with the cooking, cleaning, playing, changing, burping, laundry... you get the picture! Now I am left to figure it out on my own and so far so good. I only wonder, and I mean no judgment, how could anyone survive having 19 kids? who wants to be up every 4 hours in the night for their whole life?? I love my kids but listen, Mom needs some sleep! So far the hardest thing for me is getting back to sleep, for anyone that knows me well they know that I have and always will struggle with my sleep. Add a newborn to that equation and VOILA tired mummy. So far the battle is the late morning feed anything after 5 am and I cannot go back to sleep, this is proving to be extremely frustrating and obviously tiring. But this too shall pass! All I wish is that I had a HUGE soaker tub and could get up and have a nice hot bubble bath and maybe 5:30 could be mummy time. Not ideal but if I am going to be up I might as well be relaxing in a bath... but then I come to terms with my reality and my small square horribly uncomfortable tub is just not going to cut it in the wee hours of the morning.
So I am off to bed, to attempt to get a few hours of sleep before the hard part of the night arrives. I am glad it's the weekend, and maybe I can stay in bed tomorrow all I know is there will be a BIG cup of coffee ready for me when I am up all thanks to my wonderful husband! Sleep well all you who don't have babies! Get a few hours of sleep for me =)

life change

Well here I sit, nerves getting the best of me. Anticipating the monumental change that tomorrow will be in my life, the day my child is born. I am eager to get to tomorrow for the thrill of finally getting to hold this new life in my arms, and excited to give my tummy a much needed rest =) However it's seemingly hard to not get a little wrapped up in the other hurdles that tomorrow will bring, surgery, sleepless nights, and much chaos I'm sure! I am trying to keep as busy as possible but then at any given moment I catch myself and my heart races and palms sweat, tomorrow will be here faster than I can imagine. I am hopeful that all will go according to plan and baby Sohnchie will be healthy and happy. I think the moment that I look forward to most is Gabby getting to meet her baby sister, she has been so interested and excited to have her own baby to play with. No doubt she will be a great and helpful big sister! Well here we go! Tonight I will go to bed uncomfortable and a mother of one, and tomorrow I will go to bed, well let's be honest probably uncomfortable haha in a different way, and a mother of 2!!! wish us luck, be praying for us, surgery is scheduled for 9 AM! we will keep everyone posted and keep on the look out for pictures!!

last time

I can't wait to hold this little one xo

So I have been trying to remind myself as I near the end of this pregnancy, that there indeed will be a worthwhile prize at the finish. I'm sure all you mothers feel the same as you reach your last weeks, and you are wondering "why on earth do people do this again and again?". I am trying to focus on the great things to come and get through the rough patch that is right now =) I feel like I owe it to this second child, It seems unfair to be so excited for your first born and everything is done with anticipation and love, and this time around it's all done with a grunt and "I can't wait to have this over with." I owe our baby more than that. So even though I am ready, I am going to try to enjoy this last week or so of pregnancy, hey it might just be the last so I better remember it! Dave is away for the weekend and it's just us girls, so I am trying to enjoy it and have a last weekend of bonding with my first born daughter xoxox.

are they ever truly ours?

Well I don't mean to greet you with such a heavy heart, but I can't help but dwell on the thought that as much as we love our children and would do anything in our power to keep them from harm, they are not ours to keep. I know, like I said a little heavy for right now =) I ponder this thought though with relief and sadness, relief that I can trust my children in the hands of a mighty and amazing God. Sadness that no matter how hard I try, it's just not up to me. I have been blessed so far to have a perfectly healthy happy child, but there are many many others that don't have that fortune. I pray that I am never faced with that burden of living this truth out, but if faced with this task of trusting in our God, I hope that I am able to find peace. I think I am feeling the way many pregnant women feel as they reach the end, "Lord, please just let my baby be healthy." So I leave you with this, I feel like as a whole we feel a serious sense of entitlement in our lives, entitled to have what we want, when we want it, entitled to be healthy, happy, prosperous. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we should not be blessed in our lives but I am trying to remind myself that it's when I put my trust in God that HE WILL BE THE ONE to bestow on me the blessings that HE FEELS I need in my life, that the richest of blessings is received. I pray that as we await this new life to join ours, that it may be the blessing that the Lord feels we can handle and deserve and I will find peace and rest in this.... now on a lighter note... "Ummm God... I'm kinda uncomfortable... So can we hurry this thing up =) " Goodnight all
signed *the peaceful pregnant lady =)

potty bliss

Oh boy.. you know where I am going with this one!!! Why is is that my daughter is amazing at going pee all by herself when she is pantless and as soon as you bring the dreaded panties and pants out its like all our progress comes trickling to the floor.... seriously... what is going on here, I have cleaned up more pee these last few days that I have in 3 months of "light training". I am banging my head up against the wall wondering, how the heck do you get them to hold it and tell you when they have their pants on? I am not ok with having the naked child all the time. I have never been too pushy or ever had expectations in my own mind about it, I think I am just annoyed at being stuck in the middle of potty training not sure how to get out, I feel like I would rather go back and just have less pee to clean up! Let me tell you the amount of pee laundry that I have been doing lately is enough to send me into labor, up and down the stairs only to go up and down a hundred more times with more pee laundry to wash! I was doing some research yesterday online and there is a lady selling some MIRACLE 3 days to potty training freedom rubbish and I got thinking, 3 days.... for real? what does she know that I do not? would I pay $49.99 to not clean up pee anymore? tempting. I know I am just going through the same thing that EVERY parent goes through, and the whole cliche saying "well you don't see college kids in diapers" rings in my ears I am trying to be patient. Although the thought that my daughter will be on the front page of the news in 20 years as "THE HONOR ROLL COLLEGE GRADUATE THAT DID IT ALL IN DIAPERS!" obviously I'm kidding, but I hate the feeling of failure and feeling like you are just missing the one key to unlocking the glory of dry pants!!! *deep sigh* I have a new philosophy in my parenting, a few little words of encouragement that I tell myself to keep moving forward..... here it is... If Mrs Duggar can do it 18 times, I can do it too =) .... as I am finishing this I hear down the hall "go see your mom" hmmm what could it POSSIBLY be =( Off to do more laundry

shuffle shuffle...

I feel like this is the motto of my life right now, from the way that I walk.. shuffle shuffle... to nesting and moving things from one side of the room to the other... shuffle.. shuffle... to the date our dear baby is supposed to be arriving... SHUFFLE ..SHUFFLE... geesh, I am tired of it all! I am trying to balance my hormones with the realities that I am facing. The lack of control is throwing me for a loop, why did I think I was in control in the first place??? I am learning the hard way that you can "plan" as much as you want, but keep in mind that the rug can be pulled out from under you at any time =) I am now trying to face the thought that having a "planned" csection is somehow going to be anything but planned. (take a deep breath kelsey) I am beginning to realize that as they keep bumping my date up the reality of the situation is presenting itself, surgery, sleepless nights, crying newborn, potential depression.... (breathe again..) Keep focused on the positive... healthy baby, sweet soft breathing of a newborn asleep, first smiles, Gabby learning that baby is staying and she is now a big sister! the amazing smell of a newborn after a bath =) hmmm thats more like it!!! Unfortunately this is my personality.. definitely a realist. Always looking at BOTH sides of the picture not just the good side, but I am trying to focus and realize that you can acknowledge the backside of a picture but you have a choice in which way you will hang it and I would rather spend my days looking at the pretty side. So here I go, no plan for this baby, it can't stay in there forever I am told =) My day's will unfold however they choose to and I will just remind myself to breathe and move on!

broken scale

I am convinced that my scale must be broken. This morning it is telling me things that cannot possibly be true! I know pregnancy is supposed to be beautiful and the weight is good and all..... but seriously? Someone skinny made that line up. I know all of you will be reading this saying "what is she thinking she's not big at all" or something to that effect and I would like to remind you of the time that you were pregnant (if you were) and the last weeks that you were facing as the everyday mundane tasks put before you become unbearable to do and the broken scale decides to gift you with an extra pound every week to add to the discomfort. And just to prove my point I may not look like a whale... but I weigh as much as one, ok maybe just a baby whale. Now I'm thinking I can move past this, I think my doctor will frown upon it if I go on a strict no carb no sugar no nothing diet =) I will sacrifice my body for my unborn daughter.. lucky girl. Poor mummy. I just would like to say that being a mom, right from the moment of conception is the hardest job on earth and requires much sacrifice, but with much sacrifice always is MUCH JOY. We are starting to realize that in just a few weeks we will be blessed with the newest member to our Sohnchen clan, preparations are beginning to be made in our home and hearts. And as excited as I am... all I have to say to conclude is this, If I have to bend over and pick ONE MORE thing up off the floor...
signed
*the whale that swallowed Jonah*

lost in translation

Why is it that we are always tested when we feel down already? Sometimes I feel like there is someone hiding that is going to jump out and yell at me "Suprise! Don't worry this isn't what your REAL life will be like!". ok.... you can come out any time now....
If I'm being honest with myself one of the biggest things that I struggle with as a wife mother and woman in general is guilt. I'm sure MANY moms can relate to that. It feels like I can't roll out of bed in the morning without starting the day feeling guilty about something I have, or have not done. I'm beginning to realize that this is a terrible way to live. I think that somewhere in the chapter of a woman's life when she is having children, It's far to easy to become lost in what is needed from others and lose focus on what is needed by yourself without feeling guilty about it. The things that are needed to complete yourself as a person and make you the best you can be aside from the other titles that you have found yourself carrying around on your shoulders (wife mother... dare I say slave =)... ) Not that I don't love these things and love striving to be GOOD at them, BUT at the end of the day if someone was to pose the question to me "tell me a little bit about yourself" I would answer with a big smile on my face the typical mom answer "Well I have been married for 4 years have a beautiful 2 year old daughter that I am very thankfull for and another daughter on the way." Not that these things are not true, or that they are not one of the most important threads weaving the story of my life together, but when I step back to see what the other fibers are that are making me who I am what do I see? This is where I have found myself lost. I know this all sounds very deep and silly, but as I can see the world around me changing and my family growing before my eyes I can't help but stop and stare in the mirror and wonder.... who are you again???
This is where my new journey begins. I am on the hunt to find out who I am, what I love, what I'm good at, what I'm passionate about and most of all who I want to be and how I'm going to get there!
*just a side note that all my jabber this morning is coming after a long night up with Gabby not sleeping and Dave not home to help me, lot's of time to think and ponder =) now its time for COFFEE!!!!!!!!!

*a little lost in translation*

Hormones

Is it bad that I feel disappointed to only have earned $41 at the depot? I guess we just weren't as thirsty this year =) oh well it's money towards the decor and paint in Gabby's new big girl room! Can't wait to get it started, the paint has been picked and the bedding has been bought! My little girl isn't a baby anymore. I think that realization is starting to set in, I'm sure every mom goes through that moment in time when your second baby arrives and it is so evident that your first born is not your "baby" anymore. I feel that transition starting as we make preparations for the newbie and move Gabby into the big girl room, I wonder how long it will take me to have a hormonal break down during this process? I feel the storm brewing....

Bottle depot

So today we embark on the stinky dirty task of taking our bottles to the depot to cash in for lot's of $$$$. The thing is this will only be our THIRD time since we have been married to bring ourselves to getting it over with. The funny thing about it is that I am fondly remembering our first time, picture Dave and I, I am at least 8 months pregnant and unloading wine, beer, and pop bottles cart after cart after cart we wander our way up to the till wait our usual forever to get any service and then voila! roughly $100 later... yes people $100.... thats A LOT of beer bottles for a pregnant lady =) I just laughed at the look on peoples faces, tsk tsk.... what a shame... poor baby. The second time was a little better, we had Gabby in tow and managed to only rack up around $80. So here I find myself again, large and in charge, headed to the depot again for our annual exchange! any guesses on how much loot we will get this time?keep posted to find out!
signed... That pregnant lady with all the beer bottles =)

Is anyone out there?

I decided today as my 2 year old daughter was rolling around on the floor screaming because she didn't want to use her manners, that I was going to reach out to the world around me and share some of my experiences and hope that someone can relate =) Really this is just a place for me to come and share thoughts, feelings and of course lot's of stories! Hopefully someone is out there!!!