I hope you who read this are not thinking to your self... geez doesn't she have something good to say for once. The truth is, there is always something good to say, but I feel like its the hard things that people NEVER say. That is why I share my struggles, so that maybe someone else can connect and realize that they are not alone with their thoughts! And it helps me, to get my thoughts out and leave them outside of my head, it's almost as if when I put them out in the world they lose their power over me. Anyways! I just wanted to get that off my chest =)
My newest struggle(isn't it sad that we can never just be happy, why do we ALWAYS have to be struggling with something?) is something that I feared would happen. As a woman I have always been plagued with poor self confidence and discontent with myself. Never able to accept a compliment. When I was pregnant with Gabby, I couldn't help but think to myself, (PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME ON THIS)I was always thinking, I PRAY that she looks like her dad, I used to make jokes about it masking my feelings with humor. Now that Layla is here, I feel the same way. People are always saying to me "She looks EXACTLY like you" and inside I can't help but cringe, I know this sounds terrible, but when you have experiences such lack of self esteem and criticism on the way you look its hard to not let that creep in. Now dealing with that on my own is one thing, but the fear I have is that my daughters will look in the mirror and feel the same way I do when I look in the mirror. Now believe me, I think my daughters are beautiful, they have a innocent sparkle in their eyes and beautiful hair and smiles that light up a room, and they know that I think they are beautiful. I just struggle with the fear that I will mess them up, with my own issues. Now I understand that you are all thinking "Well you just have to build them up, their worth doesn't come from their looks blah blah blah" I get that, but as a girl, we obviously tend to have issues with our looks from the society that we live in forcing their unrealistic opinions on us. I WILL build them up, I WILL tell them they are worth LOVING, I WILL tell them they are beautiful.. Inside first and Outside. I will tell them they were made with LOVE, and that LOVE will never waiver. I just hope its enough...
Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
