windy road

So I am coming to realize that life is not easy.... I know what your thinking... uh, ok captain obvious. But I truly mean that, not in the silly obvious way, but deeper than that. Learning to walk the windy road and not always be able to see around the corner is not an easy task, and sometimes it's rewarding when you get to the other side of the bend, and some times its just another up hill stretch, so you take a deep breath and keep on walking. This is where I am. I thought we were going to come to a flat stretch and we would be able to enjoy the walk for a while, but slowly the corner came and now that we are to the other side it's looking like another climb. This might sound a little hokey pokey to you and you might be wondering... why are you walking so much lol. It's the only way I can describe what I am feeling. I look at my life as a journey, and to be on a journey you must move, therefor I picture myself walking... maybe even jogging (said with my best anchorman voice "jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild") ANYWAYS =) The lesson I am learning is that life is not easy... sometimes it's hard, and there is not reward, but that does not mean that you just stop the journey, you must keep walking.
The things I am thankful for are that along this journey I am not alone, I have a wonderful husband to keep my company and keep the journey fun, even climbing the hills we can always find something to laugh about, and my kids they are my reason to keep walking, because around every bend in this windy journey I am on, they are changing, growing and learning along with me and Dave, and that is a beautiful thing. To teach them that life is hard and you do not always enjoy the things going on around you, but you keep strong and have faith that you will always be taken care of and you are loved buy Dave and I and a Father that will always catch you if you stumble and be your comfort along the way.
Then just when you were getting used to the pace of the uphill climb, you turn another corner and there it is... the flat beautiful calm place your reward for your perseverance. Here is where I find myself now, I thought we were at the top of the hill, ready to relax, but this is not the case, another hill awaits. So with faith that our perseverance to move along this journey will be honored, we press on!!! Unknowing what awaits us, but happy to be learning together as a family.

case of the mondays.. or is it?

Never did I imagine that I would think to myself, I wish I was a selfish person. I wish I valued myself enough to put myself first, in any given situation. I find myself doing the complete opposite. I get an A+ for being a people pleaser, this it to my own detriment. I find myself run down, exhausted, and pretending like I am a fun person to be around, instead of actually taking care of myself and investing the time it takes to be at your best so you are genuinely fun to be around. I then think people will not want to hang out with me because all I talk about are my kids, and my busy busy life, I'm not exciting or interesting, just stressed and lame. So the question is, when is it ok to be "selfish"? How do you draw this line in your life and make it concrete so that you hold yourself to being first for once. My line is very fragile. I have not figured out what the root of that problem is, is it that I'm too generous? Don't value myself enough? Care too much about what others think to say no? It could be one of these, or all of them along with a handfull of many other things, But what is the answer? how to you begin to make yourself a priority in your own schedule? I have a calendar and there are names and times filling everyday till you can hardly read what they say anymore, and yet no where amongst the scribbling is the name Kelsey. Sad really. Not that I am trying to feel sorry for myself, its easy to write your name down. The problem is that if anyone else were to ask for that space how easily would you give it up?
I need some balance, without guilt. I need to not feel guilty for leaving my husband at home for an evening so I can go out for a coffee, or for saying no to a haircut because I want to spend time with my kids, or for switching Layla to formula because I cannot nurse her anymore even though I was told "oh that's the worst possible thing you could give her" by someone carelessly judging the kind of formula I am giving her. Was that supposed to uplift me in my heartbreaking decision to give up nursing? anyways.... Enough is enough. So If you ever feel like you need some "you" time and you are looking for a companion CALL ME and make me come lol =) Thanks for listening friends.. I feel better