Technology is ruining my life

Ok, this is going to be honest... really were you expecting any less from me =) It might sound like a little bit of a rant, a personal rant but none the less it needs to be said.  FACEBOOK IS TAKING OVER MY LIFE.   there I said it.  Judge me all you want, but I'm just being honest.  I feel like a drug addict, only my drug of choice is in the form of a 21 inch apple.  Sneaking off to check if someone wants to communicate with me, comment on a picture,  showing some interest in something I have to say, or something I have done.  BAD KELSEY< BAD BAD BAD.  The problem is this, dangle the temptation in front of someone and there is no way to resist.  keep the cookies in the cupboard and you will eat one.. or 5 if you are me =)  The point is our computer has found a nice cozy spot in the middle of our living room, staring at me all day, tempting me... come.. closer... just for a minute.... I have something to tell you......... then BLAMO!  I waste another 5..10.. 15 minutes of my day.  Ughhh I gross myself out.  I feel like a bad mom.  Don't get me wrong, its not like I am neglecting my kids, more like their rooms lol... I do a relatively good job of keeping my house under control but the bedrooms could use a little work.  Maybe its because they feel like dungeons.  Even though I tried to decorate Gabby's room light and girly, it still seems to make me feel claustrophobic.  It's one of those rooms that you walk in and look around and don't know where to begin.  Kid's have so much stuff!!!! and Believe me, my kids don't even have much stuff but already its too much.   Especially after christmas and 2 birthdays... there is stuff everywhere. OH and laundry.. my dreaded nemesis.  I don't mind the "act" of doing laundry, smelling the fresh soap, adding a little downy, even folding, I turn a little Ellen on and get my fold on.  Its the dreaded putting away that I cannot bring myself to do.  This is the issue... Ok time out.... This will all come together in a minute, I know you are thinking, I thought we were talking about facebook?... we are getting there lol.   So back to the dreaded laundry basket overflowing with little socks onsies and girly odds and ends, enter into the dungeon... this task would probably take me 3.5 minutes, but instead I waste my 3.5 minutes creeping on facebook... LAME.  This is where I feel like a bad mom.  I know everyone has a place in their home that when someone shows up at their house they quickly sweep the area and throw things into that "drawer" or "closet" or in my case Laylas room lol.  poor babe, living like a hoarder amongst her clothes, diapers, toys, princess tent.  Too bad she didn't ask for any of it, well she did ask for the diapers =) OK, now the question is... How to stop.  Facebook seems to be the only way to communicate lol... well especially for someone like me that is a bit socially awkward...  AWKWARD? you think to yourself? Mrs outspoken?... yes awkward. Not always, not if you really know me, but I am definitely not a talk on the phone person, So I need to come up with a way to monitor the time on facebook, really if I am being honest, it's not a long period of time that I am on the computer it's just that its right there in front of me, so 1-5 minutes every hour is a lot from 7 in the morning till 10 at night adds up. I could definitely put away a few loads of laundry =) Thoughts? Suggestions? Believe me, I have thought about moving the computer, but if you have been in my house you will quickly realize why it is where it is.  We live in .. let's just call it.. close quarters =) 

Marriage under fire

Here is what I am learning, children aren't easy, marriage isn't easy, work isn't easy, life isn't easy... So what?  Does this mean you give up? Does this mean you walk out on your family? Does it mean you make wine your best friend instead of your husband?.. well maybe a little on that last one =)  But really,   It is hard, but it is not impossible.  This is where I am at.  My next wish is that there was support out there for people that are struggling,  guidance as a family grows, a marriage grows, a woman grows.  I still feel like everyone is in there own bubble pretending that everything is alright, and behind doors they are wondering if they are the only one that feels like they could just leave dinner in the oven and walk out on their family for a few hours.  I know I am not the only one.  I know I have said that as mothers we need to support each other and offer encouragement instead of judgment, this is still true.  But today is a different note,  I think that older, dare I say wiser lol, couples should mentor younger couples and guide them through the rollercoaster that a marriage is.  Now I know that not everyone is going through the SAME things, but really most of the "feelings" are the same, actions affect us in the same way.  I wish there were mentors that walked through the journey with us, telling us what they went through and showing us how they dealt with it, giving us a glimpse into the years to come.  Instead of scraping by wondering when this stage will end, I would like a rough estimate of the issues I will face 5 years in, 10 years in, 25 years in... yes I plan on getting that far in =)!!! I love my husband, I may not like him at times, but he is my partner, my best friend, the father of my children and the other half of me.  I will never stop working on things, whether it's guided by someone's wisdom, or navigated by ourselves, we will figure it out.  Marriage is not something I take lightly and will not place blame on my husband for things that should or shouldn't be without first looking in the mirror and searching for my part in the situation.  I am trying to become the master of compromise,  marriage is nothing without compromise.  I hope that this encourages people to be open, I do not mean to divulge every last nitty gritty detail of your marriage, and talk poorly about your spouse and think that will help.  Conversations need to be constructive, and criticism needs to come with an well thought out answer to the situation.  It will not help to spew things that are not meeting your needs out of anger, without a way to solve the problem.  In voicing your needs to your partner I believe it should be respected, heard, and changed.  End of story.  If Dave says to me "I need to stay at work and be able to meet with people if they come in to talk to develop relationships" My response might be "Ok well then I am no longer going to be making supper for 5:30, supper will be at 6 whether you are home or not... and you better be home by 6 =) "  Instead of me being upset and waiting and trying to keep supper warm, I will meet his needs and compromise to make supper later.  This is not going to kill me, it's not ideal, but it is not impossible!  Its in the little things that a great foundation is built, start with small issues and work on communicating your way up to the big things.  I think that if you make a rational concern and voice that in a constructive loving manner, the other person cannot disregard it.  This is disrespectful to the marriage and the other person... not cool.  Peace and Love people =)
OK, I think I am done my marriage seminar now lol, Thanks for tuning in, hopefully this is encouragement for my friends and I have said it before I am pretty much an open book! I am not afraid to share my struggles and my victories! If anyone needs any support or wisdom from some one that has been together for almost 10 years and married for 5 two kids and a lot of compromise I am your girl!!!! XX

-K

4 am

Why must we meet every morning, before the sun has even begun to rise? Why won't you sleep? What is going on that I cannot seem to help you with?  All this does is add to my lack of patience and feelings of frustration.  The war against feeling like a failure as a mother is slowly being lost, one battle at a time.  Why does my one year old not sleep.  People will continue to attempt to support me with a blanket of "it will pass, hold on", but when for the last 11 months of your life you have not gotten more than 4-5 hours of good sleep, you will begin to doubt this passing.  I keep thinking of things I should be doing with this time, seeing as it is going to be a part of my life forever it seems.  Maybe I should exercise?Read?Bath?Bake?Blog?... Obviously not try to sleep.  This will be disrupted every 3-8 minutes with a crying child, that you have repeatedly tried to soothe.  You will not try to wake your husband because why should both of you not sleep?  Why is it that as a mother you decide that you will suffer for your family?  I will not let her cry it out when my husband is starting a new job and needs his sleep,  I'm too good of a wife for that... or am I? When lack of sleep wears down on me every day, to my core, I stagger through my days, minute to minute trying to keep everything together and everyone accounted for.  Who is taking care of me?  There are moments that I am trying to, attempting to "put myself first", like taking time out a few days a week to get out of the house and exercise, great, now I'm even more tired.  At this point if I have to listen to my baby scream one more time, I am going to permanently leave to exercise, no matter how tired I am.  Why can't I fast forward to when I am having to wake them up in the morning and drag them out of bed.  I am not forgetting that with every age comes different trials, but I feel I would be better equipped to deal with the trials of having a one year old and three year old to deal with every day if I was getting a wee bit of sleep.  Just for the record.. it's 6:11 and It has now been quiet for 9 minutes... hopefully she will stay that way.. as for me, I will go start the coffee, the three year old will be up very shortly.

a moment

I title this "a moment" because that is exactly what I need right now before I walk out and leave it all behind.  Am I the only one that has days where you want to rip your hair out?  Maybe I am not built to be a mother, sometimes I wonder.  I know that patience is not my best attribute, but the way the last week has been going for me I don't know how much patience I would need to cope in a sane person manner.   My children have colored on walls, peed their pants, hid food around the house, fallen out of their beds,  rubbed peanut butter all over the t.v, stepped in the popcorn bowl and walked around the house, and that is just a touch of the chaos.  I AM ALMOST READY TO QUIT.  However I will not.  I'm just not sure how to balance my sanity with the normalcy of crazy children.  You see I know I am not the first parent to have their child rub peanut butter on their TV.  But I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see how they reacted when it happened.  I seem to have moments when I can handle it with a breeze and then there are times like this afternoon.  I don't need to paint a picture for you, just take my word for it.  I don't think I am a bad parent, I just don't know how I am supposed to learn to deal with those times that you think might just destroy you.   *QUE ATTEMPTED DEEP BREATH*.... ok. I still don't really feel any better, but the good news is tomorrow is another day.  And I pray its a better one.

A new me

So I have decided that 2011 will be a time to figure out who Kelsey is again.  I feel as though I have been on this journey for a while, it seems as though when you become a mother you tend to get lost.  Lost in the laundry, cooking, wiping.. just in general =),  caring, nurturing, and the list never ends.  Now that I feel like the chapter of birthing children is over lol, I figure it is time to dedicate a little bit of attention to my needs as well! So I have made some steps towards that, signed myself up for a fitness bootcamp ( 8 weeks) and our competitive Volleyball team season starts at the end of January as well.  Then after bootcamp I signed up for a month of HOT yoga!! Which I LOVE by the way, I have only done it twice, but let me tell you, silence for an hour in a peaceful hot room is devine! I am accompanying this with some new recipes (We all know I like to cook/bake!) and hoping for a few changes to the pant size!! here is a sneak peek of what I have been cooking up!

Your daughters are beautiful

I hope you who read this are not thinking to your self... geez doesn't she have something good to say for once. The truth is, there is always something good to say, but I feel like its the hard things that people NEVER say. That is why I share my struggles, so that maybe someone else can connect and realize that they are not alone with their thoughts! And it helps me, to get my thoughts out and leave them outside of my head, it's almost as if when I put them out in the world they lose their power over me. Anyways! I just wanted to get that off my chest =)
My newest struggle(isn't it sad that we can never just be happy, why do we ALWAYS have to be struggling with something?) is something that I feared would happen. As a woman I have always been plagued with poor self confidence and discontent with myself. Never able to accept a compliment. When I was pregnant with Gabby, I couldn't help but think to myself, (PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME ON THIS)I was always thinking, I PRAY that she looks like her dad, I used to make jokes about it masking my feelings with humor. Now that Layla is here, I feel the same way. People are always saying to me "She looks EXACTLY like you" and inside I can't help but cringe, I know this sounds terrible, but when you have experiences such lack of self esteem and criticism on the way you look its hard to not let that creep in. Now dealing with that on my own is one thing, but the fear I have is that my daughters will look in the mirror and feel the same way I do when I look in the mirror. Now believe me, I think my daughters are beautiful, they have a innocent sparkle in their eyes and beautiful hair and smiles that light up a room, and they know that I think they are beautiful. I just struggle with the fear that I will mess them up, with my own issues. Now I understand that you are all thinking "Well you just have to build them up, their worth doesn't come from their looks blah blah blah" I get that, but as a girl, we obviously tend to have issues with our looks from the society that we live in forcing their unrealistic opinions on us. I WILL build them up, I WILL tell them they are worth LOVING, I WILL tell them they are beautiful.. Inside first and Outside. I will tell them they were made with LOVE, and that LOVE will never waiver. I just hope its enough...

Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Light

So I have been feeling seriously bogged down. Crazy life we are living right now, and don't get me wrong we have plenty to be extremely thankful for, but I could just feel a sense of heaviness and lack of joy. I dread waking up in the morning, dread taking care of my cranky children, dread going shopping, dread cooking supper... cleaning... basically anything that requires my to move from the couch, and with two kids to care for a house to look after and clients nearly everyday lets be honest, I hardly get to sit on the couch that I would like to never get off of.... ok... all this to say.. I have been down, this dark weather doesn't help. The days get shorter, which feels like there is no escape from our house. I seem to go in a cycle, down, even more down, really really down, then I find a crack of light, and I hold on to that trying to navigate my way from the darkness. This morning that crack came in the form of a music channel on my tv. We have "galaxy music" channels on our tv and I was actually searching for something for the kids to listen to instead I found "light". This is a christian music channel and although some of the music was lame, I immediately felt LIGHTER. which turned me to my computer to bring up some of my favorite music. I YOUTUBED hillsong and put it on the TV blaring words like "all of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" "Should I stumble again, still I'm caught in your grace" "Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fails"
I often wonder if I am the only one that deals with depression, deep down I know that I am not alone, however there doesn't seem to be any support for those that do. Non intentionally people make me feel like a bad parent because at any moment I could lose my mind. Now I can tell you that by now if I have not lost my mind it is only by God's Grace that I hold it together, even if I am holding only by a thread. I remind myself when I am in the deep deep down place that the light is still there, It never leaves. I just have to search for it, and once I find it I am free. Listening to music reminds me deep in my soul the truth that I live by. "I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ, so firm on his promise I'll stand"
Today I have found my light, hopefully it will shine bright for a while, Inevitably I will find myself in the dark place again, maybe next time I will remember to sing praise and quickly shine light in my dark place.