Speaking life

I feel like I am discovering things about myself as I am raising my daughters.  Girls are sensitive, this is a fact.  It doesn't matter how "tough" a girl can be, somewhere deep inside is a sensitive soul.  As a mother, it is my duty to nurture, respect, love, and guide this sensitive soul into a woman.  Hopefully a wonderful, sweet, positive, giving soul. 

Yesterday was eye opening to me.  Children interpret things in their young fragile innocent minds different than what we as parents might be trying to say.  Let me paint you a little picture,

It was a long day, raining all day the children were cooped up inside, I had 2 clients (both colors), so needless to say I was busy.  This is an understatement.  I struggle to entertain them and not feel guilty about letting them watch TV while I work.  I juggle cleaning, changing, dressing, feeding, cleaning again, working, feeding, cleaning, napping, cleaning more, prepping for next client, working, snacking kids,  and by 6 oclock when my last client left, my plans for supper were ruined because I didn't have time to make anything and I was going to call to order food and get dave to pick it up (he works till 6) but I didn't even have time to call because my client was at my house right till 6.  hmm.... what to make... children are hungry, layla is screaming and clinging to my pant leg while I try to rummage and make something quick.  Ok, macaroni... soup... toast.. grilled cheese...???? ok, I have 3 cans of tuna... Tuna melts it is.  This is fine, I am ok with this... however I am not ok with the screaming baby attached to my leg, and the cranky 3 year old that won't stop asking me for a freezie.  I finally get things on the table, dave walks in the door at 6:25 and I am just about ready to crack.  Now dinner in our house is interesting, Gabby eats anything she is not picky at all however she is still the slowest eater in the world, and wants to watch movies while she eats.  I know, bad parenting again, however I cannot at this time deal with anymore screaming and whining and need 5 minutes of quiet.  So I say to Gabby "Please Gabby, Mommy just needs 5 minutes to herself, please be quiet for a minute ok, mummy has had a very long day and I just need 1 minute of quiet"  she proceeds to crumple to the floor under the table and starts crying quietly.  I pull her up and inquire "what's the matter babe? What are you so upset about?" she sniffles and replies, "I'm sad because mummy doesn't like me anymore"  =(   I am shocked, how did she come to this conclusion? I right away pull her into my lap and look her into the eyes and reply "Gab, mummy LOVES you! I love you so much, please don't say things like that, do you understand how much mummy loves you?"  she nods, I can't see how she can doubt that love, I literally smother my children.  I am going to be that mom that is kissing cheeks and giving squeezie hugs (thats what they are called in the sohnchen home) till they are 28 and even then,  I will still find a way to sneek them in.  

I began to reflect this morning,  how do the things we say shape our children.  I can tell you from my own experience that cruel words that are meant to tear a spirit apart, will do just that.  no matter what age.  I am slowly putting the pieces together.  I have always been aware of my past, of my family growing up and of the things that were said and done.  I thought I left it behind, I thought I could turn my back and start a new life with my family.  However it is sad how naive one can be.  Not aware of the threads of self doubt, self worth and lack of confidence that are weaved into such a young life.  It's sad that so many children aren't cherished, aren't made to feel like they are the center of their parents world.  Words were spoken into my life, many words.  Many things were done to make me feel inferior.  Definitely not worth anyone's time.  Somewhere within me I always had a small voice rebuking these harmful words and instead speaking comforting kind words into my soul.  I thought this was enough to guard my heart.  I thought I could get through it unscathed.  Now that I am an adult,  I see the repercussions of the negativity that blanketed the young blonde green eyed innocent girl.  I feel it in my relationships, my friendships and the way I feel about myself. 

It doesn't take much to make a child feel unloved.  I just hope that with all the screw ups I make as a parent, letting them watch too much TV, eat snacks when the shouldn't be, stay up past their bed time, whatever it may be.  There will be lot's of messing up, I am not a perfect parent.  I PRAY my children know my love for them, the way I cherish their smiles, the way I crave to hold them and feel their warmth and heart beat, the way I would love to kiss their cheeks all day long, the joy that their laughs and giggles brings to my soul, the twinkle in their eyes that could light up any room, their soft sweet beautiful hair, their little toes and ticklish belly buttons.  I could go on and on, I LOVE MY CHILDREN.  I wish as a little girl I was able to experience the love like I have for them.. I wonder what kind of person I would be.  I can only learn from my past, and tell my children as often as I can how much I cherish them, and hug and kiss them till they can't take it anymore.  =)