Here is what I am learning, children aren't easy, marriage isn't easy, work isn't easy, life isn't easy... So what? Does this mean you give up? Does this mean you walk out on your family? Does it mean you make wine your best friend instead of your husband?.. well maybe a little on that last one =) But really, It is hard, but it is not impossible. This is where I am at. My next wish is that there was support out there for people that are struggling, guidance as a family grows, a marriage grows, a woman grows. I still feel like everyone is in there own bubble pretending that everything is alright, and behind doors they are wondering if they are the only one that feels like they could just leave dinner in the oven and walk out on their family for a few hours. I know I am not the only one. I know I have said that as mothers we need to support each other and offer encouragement instead of judgment, this is still true. But today is a different note, I think that older, dare I say wiser lol, couples should mentor younger couples and guide them through the rollercoaster that a marriage is. Now I know that not everyone is going through the SAME things, but really most of the "feelings" are the same, actions affect us in the same way. I wish there were mentors that walked through the journey with us, telling us what they went through and showing us how they dealt with it, giving us a glimpse into the years to come. Instead of scraping by wondering when this stage will end, I would like a rough estimate of the issues I will face 5 years in, 10 years in, 25 years in... yes I plan on getting that far in =)!!! I love my husband, I may not like him at times, but he is my partner, my best friend, the father of my children and the other half of me. I will never stop working on things, whether it's guided by someone's wisdom, or navigated by ourselves, we will figure it out. Marriage is not something I take lightly and will not place blame on my husband for things that should or shouldn't be without first looking in the mirror and searching for my part in the situation. I am trying to become the master of compromise, marriage is nothing without compromise. I hope that this encourages people to be open, I do not mean to divulge every last nitty gritty detail of your marriage, and talk poorly about your spouse and think that will help. Conversations need to be constructive, and criticism needs to come with an well thought out answer to the situation. It will not help to spew things that are not meeting your needs out of anger, without a way to solve the problem. In voicing your needs to your partner I believe it should be respected, heard, and changed. End of story. If Dave says to me "I need to stay at work and be able to meet with people if they come in to talk to develop relationships" My response might be "Ok well then I am no longer going to be making supper for 5:30, supper will be at 6 whether you are home or not... and you better be home by 6 =) " Instead of me being upset and waiting and trying to keep supper warm, I will meet his needs and compromise to make supper later. This is not going to kill me, it's not ideal, but it is not impossible! Its in the little things that a great foundation is built, start with small issues and work on communicating your way up to the big things. I think that if you make a rational concern and voice that in a constructive loving manner, the other person cannot disregard it. This is disrespectful to the marriage and the other person... not cool. Peace and Love people =)
OK, I think I am done my marriage seminar now lol, Thanks for tuning in, hopefully this is encouragement for my friends and I have said it before I am pretty much an open book! I am not afraid to share my struggles and my victories! If anyone needs any support or wisdom from some one that has been together for almost 10 years and married for 5 two kids and a lot of compromise I am your girl!!!! XX
-K
Lots of Wisdom in that blog,Kelsey!
ReplyDeleteYou are well ahead of your time in your understanding!!Glad you get those things now because chances are like most women/wives life will wear you down over the next number of years and it will get much harder and busier as your children grow up,become teenagers and finally adults.Hang in there and focus on the positive things in Life!
Your Bootcamp Trainer..married 19 yearsin March.
Great post, Kelsey! Sometimes "making it work" is simply deciding to stick to your commitment, and I think that a lot of people have lost that perspective. We have bought into the lie that we should feel only good feelings all the time. I got so mad when I saw the author of Eat, Pray, Love on Oprah. She talked about how she left her husband because she realized that she had "lost herself". I would like to hear what her ex-husband thinks. He had dreams, expectations, plans for 10 years down the line that are now lost too. And Oprah celebrated her! Celebrated her inability to keep to her commitment. Turns out it's a running theme in her life: in her book she committed to herself that she wouldn't have sex for a year, but she had sex with her exotic man in Bali; then she said that she would never get married again, even wrote a book about the farse that marrying-for-love is as opposed to the ancient tradition of marrying for political positioning, only to turn around and get married to her exotic man.
ReplyDeleteLet's live to our word, even when it gets difficult. ESPECIALLY when it gets difficult.
Good word for the day, Kels. I love your heart.
Don't sweat the small stuff...
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