4 am

Why must we meet every morning, before the sun has even begun to rise? Why won't you sleep? What is going on that I cannot seem to help you with?  All this does is add to my lack of patience and feelings of frustration.  The war against feeling like a failure as a mother is slowly being lost, one battle at a time.  Why does my one year old not sleep.  People will continue to attempt to support me with a blanket of "it will pass, hold on", but when for the last 11 months of your life you have not gotten more than 4-5 hours of good sleep, you will begin to doubt this passing.  I keep thinking of things I should be doing with this time, seeing as it is going to be a part of my life forever it seems.  Maybe I should exercise?Read?Bath?Bake?Blog?... Obviously not try to sleep.  This will be disrupted every 3-8 minutes with a crying child, that you have repeatedly tried to soothe.  You will not try to wake your husband because why should both of you not sleep?  Why is it that as a mother you decide that you will suffer for your family?  I will not let her cry it out when my husband is starting a new job and needs his sleep,  I'm too good of a wife for that... or am I? When lack of sleep wears down on me every day, to my core, I stagger through my days, minute to minute trying to keep everything together and everyone accounted for.  Who is taking care of me?  There are moments that I am trying to, attempting to "put myself first", like taking time out a few days a week to get out of the house and exercise, great, now I'm even more tired.  At this point if I have to listen to my baby scream one more time, I am going to permanently leave to exercise, no matter how tired I am.  Why can't I fast forward to when I am having to wake them up in the morning and drag them out of bed.  I am not forgetting that with every age comes different trials, but I feel I would be better equipped to deal with the trials of having a one year old and three year old to deal with every day if I was getting a wee bit of sleep.  Just for the record.. it's 6:11 and It has now been quiet for 9 minutes... hopefully she will stay that way.. as for me, I will go start the coffee, the three year old will be up very shortly.