new reality

So I am vividly aware of the new, hopefully temporary, reality of my life. No sleep, chaos and time flying by before my eyes. I don't mean that there isn't laughs and smiles and lot's of love along the way too, but these things are not new and were always there to begin =)
I really feel like as mom's we feel like we need to have it all together, seem like we have the perfect family and it all under control. I however am far from this =) and I am not ashamed to say it. I humbly admit that raising children is not easy, not glamorous and not always fun. I am not one to pretend to be something that I am not, I am very honest and very open with my feelings. If I am stressed and overwhelmed you will see it all over my face. Sorry to my husband who is extremely aware of this, and loves me in spite of it.
I am lucky enough to have an amazing group of friends, some with kids and some without that hear me out without judgment and give their support and love no matter what the circumstances. I feel for those women who don't have that support and get up everyday, feeling the need to paint their mask of "togetherness" and portray something other than their genuine self. Now I am not saying that sometimes we don't have to restrain how we feel.. there are many times I feel like having a tantrum and roll on the floor screaming and crying right along side my 2 year old, but let's be honest someone would probably take my kids away if I did that =) So there are times when we pretend to be in control just to keep it together and salvage what little sanity we have left, I get this.
On the flip side, there are some mom's who ACTUALLY do have it all together... The minority of women that fall into this category can just disregard what I have to say, carry on with your day and be supermom. I sometimes wish that I can be this kind of mom, organized, not in sweatpants, happy to be taking care of children, wiping bums and runny noses all day. When I look in the mirror, the person looking back at me does not quite match this description.. I see a greasy ponytail, spit up on my shirt and dark bags under my eyes. My new personal goal is to get myself together enough to somewhat resemble the woman that my lovely husband vowed to love and be with forever, I feel like I owe him at least this =) Now back to my point... As much as I wish to be Supermom, My reality is that I can only be Gabby and Layla's mom, however that may look. I need to be ok with being the best mom for them and not for society. If I don't get out of my pajamas and my hair is in a greasy ponytail, as long as their needs are met and they know that we love them, then I think that my job as a mom is done. and done well! ... Now.. back to those motherly duties I love so much, I hear a baby stirring that needs to be fed!
As a last thought, I hope that all the mom's out there would be proud of whatever kind of mom that they are capable of being. We need to stop comparing each other and embrace who we are. I hope that we can support each other and love each other EVEN when we are in dirty sweatpants all day long =)

not funny

Today is the day that I think I might have lost my mind officially. Let me paint a little picture for you...
After a long night of roughly 3-4 hours of sleep, my gracious husband informed me that he would stay home to take care of the girls and allow me to get some rest. Little did I know this day would turn into anything but restful. I decided that I would take advantage of him being home and run quickly into town to superstore to pick up the things we needed for family coming into town for Easter. I thought to myself, great It will be so much easier without the girls. I can get in and out and get home to rest for the rest of the day..... hmmmm not so much.
I arrive at superstore and have taken Dave's car and left him the truck with the car seats, I go to get my cart and realise there is an older man that is yanking on his cart trying to get it loose. I offer to help because I have found myself in the same situation before and this is no way to start your time at the chaos that we call superstore. I free the cart for him and get my own, head into the store race around to get my things, make it to the till without too much damage to my credit card and then head for the door. Now I have never lost anything before. Never my wallet, phone, or keys so to my horror I am rummaging around in my purse to find no keys.... panic sets in. This is not what I need on this day of utter exhaustion. I push my cart outside searching around on the ground thinking I may have dropped it when I was so kindly helping a stranger. Why is karma not on my side? NO key. I return to the store and circle the same round 300000 times and still no key, I call dave, pretty much full panic attack now. "Tired hormonal crazy lady in aisle 3" I hear come over the speakers.. ok I added that part, but Im sure they were close to that when I got on my hands and knees and went up and down the aisles looking underneath all of the shelving to see if someone had kicked it underneath... still nothing. I am at a loss. Now normally to any sane person this would be not such a big deal, to me, on the brink of insanity, exhausted and overly emotional, this is the end of the world. It would also be much easier to deal with this moment if I knew at home there was a sweet little back up key sitting waiting to be brought to me and solve all my problems.. no such luck either. We decided to buy a stupid car with an electric key and no back up. Now this lovely car of ours is also a royal pain to tow as well because it is an all wheel drive and the wheels are all locked without the key.. great. we need a special flat bed truck and even with this truck they have to drag the car to get it on top. Rad. So as the $$$$$ are adding up in my mind, I am tinkering with the thought of never leaving the house again and becoming a hermit. I feel like a failure and I usually pride myself on being very organized and on top of things, not so much anymore. Im not sure if it is just me or if other mom's lost their minds when the had their kids, mine has not returned and I am debating on wether it will or if I am doomed to a life of forgetting, losing and ultimately being frustrated with myself over these things. .... here is where I find myself, no brain, no car, no self asteem, and out a lot of money to put the cherry on top of my day. What did I do to deserve this again? Oh thats right, I helped a stranger in need... hmmm that doesn't add up. I guess that's the way life is though, not always adding up. So now I am at home, trying to calm down and take care of those that cannot take care of themselves. Its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are in a place like this in your life, But I am holding on to the thought that somewhere in this darkness there is indeed some light... now just to find it

time flies

Wow, 3 weeks have come and gone and we are rapidly approaching the fourth week of life for our new baby Layla. I have sat down a few times at the computer set out to post a new blog and time after time have found myself at a loss for words. Who knew a major life change like this would leave me speechless? I thought I would have stories and questions and updates to share, but all that comes to mind is.. well.. nothing. Not sure if this is good or bad, but I am going to take it as good! I guess it could be much worse! I guess I can just report that all is well with our new babe, and Gabriella is adjusting really well to her new sister.
I have been fortunate enough to have had Nana here for the last 3 weeks to help with the cooking, cleaning, playing, changing, burping, laundry... you get the picture! Now I am left to figure it out on my own and so far so good. I only wonder, and I mean no judgment, how could anyone survive having 19 kids? who wants to be up every 4 hours in the night for their whole life?? I love my kids but listen, Mom needs some sleep! So far the hardest thing for me is getting back to sleep, for anyone that knows me well they know that I have and always will struggle with my sleep. Add a newborn to that equation and VOILA tired mummy. So far the battle is the late morning feed anything after 5 am and I cannot go back to sleep, this is proving to be extremely frustrating and obviously tiring. But this too shall pass! All I wish is that I had a HUGE soaker tub and could get up and have a nice hot bubble bath and maybe 5:30 could be mummy time. Not ideal but if I am going to be up I might as well be relaxing in a bath... but then I come to terms with my reality and my small square horribly uncomfortable tub is just not going to cut it in the wee hours of the morning.
So I am off to bed, to attempt to get a few hours of sleep before the hard part of the night arrives. I am glad it's the weekend, and maybe I can stay in bed tomorrow all I know is there will be a BIG cup of coffee ready for me when I am up all thanks to my wonderful husband! Sleep well all you who don't have babies! Get a few hours of sleep for me =)

life change

Well here I sit, nerves getting the best of me. Anticipating the monumental change that tomorrow will be in my life, the day my child is born. I am eager to get to tomorrow for the thrill of finally getting to hold this new life in my arms, and excited to give my tummy a much needed rest =) However it's seemingly hard to not get a little wrapped up in the other hurdles that tomorrow will bring, surgery, sleepless nights, and much chaos I'm sure! I am trying to keep as busy as possible but then at any given moment I catch myself and my heart races and palms sweat, tomorrow will be here faster than I can imagine. I am hopeful that all will go according to plan and baby Sohnchie will be healthy and happy. I think the moment that I look forward to most is Gabby getting to meet her baby sister, she has been so interested and excited to have her own baby to play with. No doubt she will be a great and helpful big sister! Well here we go! Tonight I will go to bed uncomfortable and a mother of one, and tomorrow I will go to bed, well let's be honest probably uncomfortable haha in a different way, and a mother of 2!!! wish us luck, be praying for us, surgery is scheduled for 9 AM! we will keep everyone posted and keep on the look out for pictures!!

last time

I can't wait to hold this little one xo

So I have been trying to remind myself as I near the end of this pregnancy, that there indeed will be a worthwhile prize at the finish. I'm sure all you mothers feel the same as you reach your last weeks, and you are wondering "why on earth do people do this again and again?". I am trying to focus on the great things to come and get through the rough patch that is right now =) I feel like I owe it to this second child, It seems unfair to be so excited for your first born and everything is done with anticipation and love, and this time around it's all done with a grunt and "I can't wait to have this over with." I owe our baby more than that. So even though I am ready, I am going to try to enjoy this last week or so of pregnancy, hey it might just be the last so I better remember it! Dave is away for the weekend and it's just us girls, so I am trying to enjoy it and have a last weekend of bonding with my first born daughter xoxox.

are they ever truly ours?

Well I don't mean to greet you with such a heavy heart, but I can't help but dwell on the thought that as much as we love our children and would do anything in our power to keep them from harm, they are not ours to keep. I know, like I said a little heavy for right now =) I ponder this thought though with relief and sadness, relief that I can trust my children in the hands of a mighty and amazing God. Sadness that no matter how hard I try, it's just not up to me. I have been blessed so far to have a perfectly healthy happy child, but there are many many others that don't have that fortune. I pray that I am never faced with that burden of living this truth out, but if faced with this task of trusting in our God, I hope that I am able to find peace. I think I am feeling the way many pregnant women feel as they reach the end, "Lord, please just let my baby be healthy." So I leave you with this, I feel like as a whole we feel a serious sense of entitlement in our lives, entitled to have what we want, when we want it, entitled to be healthy, happy, prosperous. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we should not be blessed in our lives but I am trying to remind myself that it's when I put my trust in God that HE WILL BE THE ONE to bestow on me the blessings that HE FEELS I need in my life, that the richest of blessings is received. I pray that as we await this new life to join ours, that it may be the blessing that the Lord feels we can handle and deserve and I will find peace and rest in this.... now on a lighter note... "Ummm God... I'm kinda uncomfortable... So can we hurry this thing up =) " Goodnight all
signed *the peaceful pregnant lady =)

potty bliss

Oh boy.. you know where I am going with this one!!! Why is is that my daughter is amazing at going pee all by herself when she is pantless and as soon as you bring the dreaded panties and pants out its like all our progress comes trickling to the floor.... seriously... what is going on here, I have cleaned up more pee these last few days that I have in 3 months of "light training". I am banging my head up against the wall wondering, how the heck do you get them to hold it and tell you when they have their pants on? I am not ok with having the naked child all the time. I have never been too pushy or ever had expectations in my own mind about it, I think I am just annoyed at being stuck in the middle of potty training not sure how to get out, I feel like I would rather go back and just have less pee to clean up! Let me tell you the amount of pee laundry that I have been doing lately is enough to send me into labor, up and down the stairs only to go up and down a hundred more times with more pee laundry to wash! I was doing some research yesterday online and there is a lady selling some MIRACLE 3 days to potty training freedom rubbish and I got thinking, 3 days.... for real? what does she know that I do not? would I pay $49.99 to not clean up pee anymore? tempting. I know I am just going through the same thing that EVERY parent goes through, and the whole cliche saying "well you don't see college kids in diapers" rings in my ears I am trying to be patient. Although the thought that my daughter will be on the front page of the news in 20 years as "THE HONOR ROLL COLLEGE GRADUATE THAT DID IT ALL IN DIAPERS!" obviously I'm kidding, but I hate the feeling of failure and feeling like you are just missing the one key to unlocking the glory of dry pants!!! *deep sigh* I have a new philosophy in my parenting, a few little words of encouragement that I tell myself to keep moving forward..... here it is... If Mrs Duggar can do it 18 times, I can do it too =) .... as I am finishing this I hear down the hall "go see your mom" hmmm what could it POSSIBLY be =( Off to do more laundry