Your daughters are beautiful

I hope you who read this are not thinking to your self... geez doesn't she have something good to say for once. The truth is, there is always something good to say, but I feel like its the hard things that people NEVER say. That is why I share my struggles, so that maybe someone else can connect and realize that they are not alone with their thoughts! And it helps me, to get my thoughts out and leave them outside of my head, it's almost as if when I put them out in the world they lose their power over me. Anyways! I just wanted to get that off my chest =)
My newest struggle(isn't it sad that we can never just be happy, why do we ALWAYS have to be struggling with something?) is something that I feared would happen. As a woman I have always been plagued with poor self confidence and discontent with myself. Never able to accept a compliment. When I was pregnant with Gabby, I couldn't help but think to myself, (PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME ON THIS)I was always thinking, I PRAY that she looks like her dad, I used to make jokes about it masking my feelings with humor. Now that Layla is here, I feel the same way. People are always saying to me "She looks EXACTLY like you" and inside I can't help but cringe, I know this sounds terrible, but when you have experiences such lack of self esteem and criticism on the way you look its hard to not let that creep in. Now dealing with that on my own is one thing, but the fear I have is that my daughters will look in the mirror and feel the same way I do when I look in the mirror. Now believe me, I think my daughters are beautiful, they have a innocent sparkle in their eyes and beautiful hair and smiles that light up a room, and they know that I think they are beautiful. I just struggle with the fear that I will mess them up, with my own issues. Now I understand that you are all thinking "Well you just have to build them up, their worth doesn't come from their looks blah blah blah" I get that, but as a girl, we obviously tend to have issues with our looks from the society that we live in forcing their unrealistic opinions on us. I WILL build them up, I WILL tell them they are worth LOVING, I WILL tell them they are beautiful.. Inside first and Outside. I will tell them they were made with LOVE, and that LOVE will never waiver. I just hope its enough...

Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Light

So I have been feeling seriously bogged down. Crazy life we are living right now, and don't get me wrong we have plenty to be extremely thankful for, but I could just feel a sense of heaviness and lack of joy. I dread waking up in the morning, dread taking care of my cranky children, dread going shopping, dread cooking supper... cleaning... basically anything that requires my to move from the couch, and with two kids to care for a house to look after and clients nearly everyday lets be honest, I hardly get to sit on the couch that I would like to never get off of.... ok... all this to say.. I have been down, this dark weather doesn't help. The days get shorter, which feels like there is no escape from our house. I seem to go in a cycle, down, even more down, really really down, then I find a crack of light, and I hold on to that trying to navigate my way from the darkness. This morning that crack came in the form of a music channel on my tv. We have "galaxy music" channels on our tv and I was actually searching for something for the kids to listen to instead I found "light". This is a christian music channel and although some of the music was lame, I immediately felt LIGHTER. which turned me to my computer to bring up some of my favorite music. I YOUTUBED hillsong and put it on the TV blaring words like "all of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" "Should I stumble again, still I'm caught in your grace" "Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fails"
I often wonder if I am the only one that deals with depression, deep down I know that I am not alone, however there doesn't seem to be any support for those that do. Non intentionally people make me feel like a bad parent because at any moment I could lose my mind. Now I can tell you that by now if I have not lost my mind it is only by God's Grace that I hold it together, even if I am holding only by a thread. I remind myself when I am in the deep deep down place that the light is still there, It never leaves. I just have to search for it, and once I find it I am free. Listening to music reminds me deep in my soul the truth that I live by. "I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ, so firm on his promise I'll stand"
Today I have found my light, hopefully it will shine bright for a while, Inevitably I will find myself in the dark place again, maybe next time I will remember to sing praise and quickly shine light in my dark place.

PICTURES

Ok, so the blog wouldn't let me add pictures for some reason so here they are!

Fresh feeling

It's amazing how quickly the feeling of complacency can take over your life. To me, change is necessary. I have been feeling the need for change for a while, a long while. And its hard to know how much change will satisfy your soul, so I started with my hair, that worked for a few days. Then it was onto our bedroom, which I had been wanting to change for a while.. fixed it with a new coat of paint and a slight furniture rearrangement. *SIGH* that feels better.. for now.. Then I was feeling EXTREMELY unhappy with our house, the inside anyways. Is there ever something that you wish that you could do, that you think that can't be that hard. Yet when you try to do it, you just can't! Well decorating is that way for me, I LOVE The thought of decorating a room and making it magical, yet when I look at our house I am completely overwhelmed. So after getting more frustrated than any human being should be about her home we decided to "just start moving things around".... 4 hours later, we were still moving things and even more frustrated! WHY IS THIS SPACE SUCH A CHALLENGE!! I want my home to be beautiful and make me feel good when I walk through the door, not annoyed. So we finally found a way that suits for now, and I feel a little better, now the next thing is to start the daunting task of painting... what color.. where to put everything... where to put the kids so they don't get into the paint... on and on it goes. I will settle for the small victories now, but I am not giving up on the big picture! My newest passion is to find the hidden gems in thrift stores, or make things better that we already have in our home. For example, I was wanting new lamps, but instead of going to walmart to buy some generic lame ones... umm... like we already have lol, I decided to go hunting for some unique pieces to add some character to our home, and I found a great lamp shade for 3 dollars!!! I am not trying to say that I find joy in materialistic things, but more that you need to surround yourself with things and people that make you feel good. Waking up in the morning and being surrounded by things I love makes me smile, and walking out of our bedroom and seeing my beautiful children playing in a home that I have created makes my heart feel tingly. So onward on this journey I go, working on the inner me and the outer surroundings as well! I will keep you posted on the progress! for now here are some pictures

Grace,
Ok... your probably sick of me commenting lol but I just can't help it =) I feel like I am SO on this journey with you.... well... ok you maybe be running, and starting to be active and I am just sitting at the computer reading about your accomplishments but in spirit I am there with you =) I am sorting out the mental game of this chapter of my life. Its devastatingly hard to take a real look at what is going on inside and outside of my body. Jealousy is my worst enemy, and it's not something that I like about myself. I have learned to be "openly jealous" if that makes any sense, I am not one to keep my feelings inside (clearly) and it helps me to not internalize my feelings and therefor feel fake. Now I would never try to make anyone feel uncomfortable with my jealousy, usually it comes out in a complimentary factor but its still there lining my words with pain of the things I cannot have. "WOW your house is beautiful, I would love to have a house like this" "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC, share your secrets to losing the baby weight!! I can't seem to get rid of it!" "It's so great that you spend so much time with your kids reading and playing, I wish I had the time to play with them like that"... you know, the classics. Right now I feel like I am stuck in the middle, everyone say's "you have to give yourself time" I realize this but how much is enough time and when do you say enough and get your butt moving. The thing that I can't stand is that I already feel active... Maybe not like "going for a 5 km run everyday" kind of active, because I can hardly make it around my block but like most mom's I am on my feet from 7:30-9 literally without sitting down, I run around cleaning, taking care of the kids, working from home, cleaning again, making supper, cleaning again, getting the kids ready for bed and then by 8:30-9 once everything is quiet and I have had my first chance to sit.... working out is not my first choice.... now I just have to figure out a way to fix this problem, any suggestions? and I know most people think, Get your husband to help you!! But my husband is a dear, and he does help me, maybe not as much as he could, but more than most I would say. He also has a lot on his plate and trying to find time to help me more than he already does, seems like a task all in itself!
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO anyways enough of my pity party, all that too say that I am definitely in a weird place right now, like I said, in the middle. I am going to allow myself more time, but I am also working on a plan, I think that if I plan enough and work with our schedules I can MAKE time for myself! I am determined to "be happy with myself" to me I don't want to lose a certain amount of weight, I think I just want to feel balanced, in all areas of my life, and that definitely means making more "me time" and that would be great for that to include a workout from time to time =) I think that I just want to find things that I ENJOY to do, not just working out for the sake of losing weight, I just want to focus on meeeeeeeeeee... just for a minute, then I will get back to the cleaning, cooking, wiping dirty bums, disciplining, more cleaning, working ....then repeat...

it's just as easy to be kind

Have you ever had someone speak untruth's about you, and accuse you of things that simply did not happen. Did you let it roll off or did it sneak in and set root in your spirit? Someone put me in a situation that made me feel attacked and backed into a corner, and somehow, this has now somehow shaped my confidence. It creeps out of the dark and catches me when I least expect it, accusation and doubt of my character. Even though I TRULY know who I am, it's amazing the power of people's words, how one persons defamation of character can make you question the person that you have spent 25 years shaping. This is not the first time someone has spoken this way about me, and It will not be the last. Some people feel better about themselves by attacking others, and in the past I have worked to not let the words take hold, but sometimes, just sometimes they creep up and smack me in the face. today has been one of those days. So I am now trying to remind myself of who I am, and who I am in the Lord. This NO ONE can take from me. spread the love people....

Today I am reminded of someone I never had the chance to know, someone that never had the chance to watch me grow, accomplish and learn. Someone that will never meet my wonderful husband, never hug and kiss my precious children, never witnessed me graduate, marry and bring life into the world. I am reminded that the person that wanted me more than anything in the world was taken from me without a goodbye. I am sad today.
I am told stories of how my mom tried SO hard to have a girl, now I have two older amazing brothers that she loved equally, but they were not mummy's little girl. I am told of the books that she read, the old wives tales she believed and the miscarry's she endured to get to me, I am told she would have done anything to have a girl.... to have me. To know that someone will love you this much, makes me feel special, unfortunately I have very few memories of this love, and as I have grown the only thing I have ever wanted was to share my life with her, to feel that love, to see her smile with pride of her little girl. I hold close the memories I have and as I hit these major milestones in my life I realize that she is still here, watching my story unfold.
I don't think it is any coincidence that I have two girls, that was the plan for me. However it pains me to know that she will never have the special love for them that grandmas only have. She will never spoil them and spend special time with them, telling them stories, and teaching them the things she would have taught me.
I cannot be mad about what happened, I refuse to live that way, tying to place blame that cannot be placed. But I can be sad, not every day, but once and a while, I will be sad.... today I am sad
*hold tight the ones you love*


*sorry for such a glum post, just sharing my story *