PICTURES

Ok, so the blog wouldn't let me add pictures for some reason so here they are!

Fresh feeling

It's amazing how quickly the feeling of complacency can take over your life. To me, change is necessary. I have been feeling the need for change for a while, a long while. And its hard to know how much change will satisfy your soul, so I started with my hair, that worked for a few days. Then it was onto our bedroom, which I had been wanting to change for a while.. fixed it with a new coat of paint and a slight furniture rearrangement. *SIGH* that feels better.. for now.. Then I was feeling EXTREMELY unhappy with our house, the inside anyways. Is there ever something that you wish that you could do, that you think that can't be that hard. Yet when you try to do it, you just can't! Well decorating is that way for me, I LOVE The thought of decorating a room and making it magical, yet when I look at our house I am completely overwhelmed. So after getting more frustrated than any human being should be about her home we decided to "just start moving things around".... 4 hours later, we were still moving things and even more frustrated! WHY IS THIS SPACE SUCH A CHALLENGE!! I want my home to be beautiful and make me feel good when I walk through the door, not annoyed. So we finally found a way that suits for now, and I feel a little better, now the next thing is to start the daunting task of painting... what color.. where to put everything... where to put the kids so they don't get into the paint... on and on it goes. I will settle for the small victories now, but I am not giving up on the big picture! My newest passion is to find the hidden gems in thrift stores, or make things better that we already have in our home. For example, I was wanting new lamps, but instead of going to walmart to buy some generic lame ones... umm... like we already have lol, I decided to go hunting for some unique pieces to add some character to our home, and I found a great lamp shade for 3 dollars!!! I am not trying to say that I find joy in materialistic things, but more that you need to surround yourself with things and people that make you feel good. Waking up in the morning and being surrounded by things I love makes me smile, and walking out of our bedroom and seeing my beautiful children playing in a home that I have created makes my heart feel tingly. So onward on this journey I go, working on the inner me and the outer surroundings as well! I will keep you posted on the progress! for now here are some pictures

Grace,
Ok... your probably sick of me commenting lol but I just can't help it =) I feel like I am SO on this journey with you.... well... ok you maybe be running, and starting to be active and I am just sitting at the computer reading about your accomplishments but in spirit I am there with you =) I am sorting out the mental game of this chapter of my life. Its devastatingly hard to take a real look at what is going on inside and outside of my body. Jealousy is my worst enemy, and it's not something that I like about myself. I have learned to be "openly jealous" if that makes any sense, I am not one to keep my feelings inside (clearly) and it helps me to not internalize my feelings and therefor feel fake. Now I would never try to make anyone feel uncomfortable with my jealousy, usually it comes out in a complimentary factor but its still there lining my words with pain of the things I cannot have. "WOW your house is beautiful, I would love to have a house like this" "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC, share your secrets to losing the baby weight!! I can't seem to get rid of it!" "It's so great that you spend so much time with your kids reading and playing, I wish I had the time to play with them like that"... you know, the classics. Right now I feel like I am stuck in the middle, everyone say's "you have to give yourself time" I realize this but how much is enough time and when do you say enough and get your butt moving. The thing that I can't stand is that I already feel active... Maybe not like "going for a 5 km run everyday" kind of active, because I can hardly make it around my block but like most mom's I am on my feet from 7:30-9 literally without sitting down, I run around cleaning, taking care of the kids, working from home, cleaning again, making supper, cleaning again, getting the kids ready for bed and then by 8:30-9 once everything is quiet and I have had my first chance to sit.... working out is not my first choice.... now I just have to figure out a way to fix this problem, any suggestions? and I know most people think, Get your husband to help you!! But my husband is a dear, and he does help me, maybe not as much as he could, but more than most I would say. He also has a lot on his plate and trying to find time to help me more than he already does, seems like a task all in itself!
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO anyways enough of my pity party, all that too say that I am definitely in a weird place right now, like I said, in the middle. I am going to allow myself more time, but I am also working on a plan, I think that if I plan enough and work with our schedules I can MAKE time for myself! I am determined to "be happy with myself" to me I don't want to lose a certain amount of weight, I think I just want to feel balanced, in all areas of my life, and that definitely means making more "me time" and that would be great for that to include a workout from time to time =) I think that I just want to find things that I ENJOY to do, not just working out for the sake of losing weight, I just want to focus on meeeeeeeeeee... just for a minute, then I will get back to the cleaning, cooking, wiping dirty bums, disciplining, more cleaning, working ....then repeat...

it's just as easy to be kind

Have you ever had someone speak untruth's about you, and accuse you of things that simply did not happen. Did you let it roll off or did it sneak in and set root in your spirit? Someone put me in a situation that made me feel attacked and backed into a corner, and somehow, this has now somehow shaped my confidence. It creeps out of the dark and catches me when I least expect it, accusation and doubt of my character. Even though I TRULY know who I am, it's amazing the power of people's words, how one persons defamation of character can make you question the person that you have spent 25 years shaping. This is not the first time someone has spoken this way about me, and It will not be the last. Some people feel better about themselves by attacking others, and in the past I have worked to not let the words take hold, but sometimes, just sometimes they creep up and smack me in the face. today has been one of those days. So I am now trying to remind myself of who I am, and who I am in the Lord. This NO ONE can take from me. spread the love people....

Today I am reminded of someone I never had the chance to know, someone that never had the chance to watch me grow, accomplish and learn. Someone that will never meet my wonderful husband, never hug and kiss my precious children, never witnessed me graduate, marry and bring life into the world. I am reminded that the person that wanted me more than anything in the world was taken from me without a goodbye. I am sad today.
I am told stories of how my mom tried SO hard to have a girl, now I have two older amazing brothers that she loved equally, but they were not mummy's little girl. I am told of the books that she read, the old wives tales she believed and the miscarry's she endured to get to me, I am told she would have done anything to have a girl.... to have me. To know that someone will love you this much, makes me feel special, unfortunately I have very few memories of this love, and as I have grown the only thing I have ever wanted was to share my life with her, to feel that love, to see her smile with pride of her little girl. I hold close the memories I have and as I hit these major milestones in my life I realize that she is still here, watching my story unfold.
I don't think it is any coincidence that I have two girls, that was the plan for me. However it pains me to know that she will never have the special love for them that grandmas only have. She will never spoil them and spend special time with them, telling them stories, and teaching them the things she would have taught me.
I cannot be mad about what happened, I refuse to live that way, tying to place blame that cannot be placed. But I can be sad, not every day, but once and a while, I will be sad.... today I am sad
*hold tight the ones you love*


*sorry for such a glum post, just sharing my story *

windy road

So I am coming to realize that life is not easy.... I know what your thinking... uh, ok captain obvious. But I truly mean that, not in the silly obvious way, but deeper than that. Learning to walk the windy road and not always be able to see around the corner is not an easy task, and sometimes it's rewarding when you get to the other side of the bend, and some times its just another up hill stretch, so you take a deep breath and keep on walking. This is where I am. I thought we were going to come to a flat stretch and we would be able to enjoy the walk for a while, but slowly the corner came and now that we are to the other side it's looking like another climb. This might sound a little hokey pokey to you and you might be wondering... why are you walking so much lol. It's the only way I can describe what I am feeling. I look at my life as a journey, and to be on a journey you must move, therefor I picture myself walking... maybe even jogging (said with my best anchorman voice "jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild") ANYWAYS =) The lesson I am learning is that life is not easy... sometimes it's hard, and there is not reward, but that does not mean that you just stop the journey, you must keep walking.
The things I am thankful for are that along this journey I am not alone, I have a wonderful husband to keep my company and keep the journey fun, even climbing the hills we can always find something to laugh about, and my kids they are my reason to keep walking, because around every bend in this windy journey I am on, they are changing, growing and learning along with me and Dave, and that is a beautiful thing. To teach them that life is hard and you do not always enjoy the things going on around you, but you keep strong and have faith that you will always be taken care of and you are loved buy Dave and I and a Father that will always catch you if you stumble and be your comfort along the way.
Then just when you were getting used to the pace of the uphill climb, you turn another corner and there it is... the flat beautiful calm place your reward for your perseverance. Here is where I find myself now, I thought we were at the top of the hill, ready to relax, but this is not the case, another hill awaits. So with faith that our perseverance to move along this journey will be honored, we press on!!! Unknowing what awaits us, but happy to be learning together as a family.

case of the mondays.. or is it?

Never did I imagine that I would think to myself, I wish I was a selfish person. I wish I valued myself enough to put myself first, in any given situation. I find myself doing the complete opposite. I get an A+ for being a people pleaser, this it to my own detriment. I find myself run down, exhausted, and pretending like I am a fun person to be around, instead of actually taking care of myself and investing the time it takes to be at your best so you are genuinely fun to be around. I then think people will not want to hang out with me because all I talk about are my kids, and my busy busy life, I'm not exciting or interesting, just stressed and lame. So the question is, when is it ok to be "selfish"? How do you draw this line in your life and make it concrete so that you hold yourself to being first for once. My line is very fragile. I have not figured out what the root of that problem is, is it that I'm too generous? Don't value myself enough? Care too much about what others think to say no? It could be one of these, or all of them along with a handfull of many other things, But what is the answer? how to you begin to make yourself a priority in your own schedule? I have a calendar and there are names and times filling everyday till you can hardly read what they say anymore, and yet no where amongst the scribbling is the name Kelsey. Sad really. Not that I am trying to feel sorry for myself, its easy to write your name down. The problem is that if anyone else were to ask for that space how easily would you give it up?
I need some balance, without guilt. I need to not feel guilty for leaving my husband at home for an evening so I can go out for a coffee, or for saying no to a haircut because I want to spend time with my kids, or for switching Layla to formula because I cannot nurse her anymore even though I was told "oh that's the worst possible thing you could give her" by someone carelessly judging the kind of formula I am giving her. Was that supposed to uplift me in my heartbreaking decision to give up nursing? anyways.... Enough is enough. So If you ever feel like you need some "you" time and you are looking for a companion CALL ME and make me come lol =) Thanks for listening friends.. I feel better