So I have been feeling seriously bogged down. Crazy life we are living right now, and don't get me wrong we have plenty to be extremely thankful for, but I could just feel a sense of heaviness and lack of joy. I dread waking up in the morning, dread taking care of my cranky children, dread going shopping, dread cooking supper... cleaning... basically anything that requires my to move from the couch, and with two kids to care for a house to look after and clients nearly everyday lets be honest, I hardly get to sit on the couch that I would like to never get off of.... ok... all this to say.. I have been down, this dark weather doesn't help. The days get shorter, which feels like there is no escape from our house. I seem to go in a cycle, down, even more down, really really down, then I find a crack of light, and I hold on to that trying to navigate my way from the darkness. This morning that crack came in the form of a music channel on my tv. We have "galaxy music" channels on our tv and I was actually searching for something for the kids to listen to instead I found "light". This is a christian music channel and although some of the music was lame, I immediately felt LIGHTER. which turned me to my computer to bring up some of my favorite music. I YOUTUBED hillsong and put it on the TV blaring words like "all of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" "Should I stumble again, still I'm caught in your grace" "Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fails"
I often wonder if I am the only one that deals with depression, deep down I know that I am not alone, however there doesn't seem to be any support for those that do. Non intentionally people make me feel like a bad parent because at any moment I could lose my mind. Now I can tell you that by now if I have not lost my mind it is only by God's Grace that I hold it together, even if I am holding only by a thread. I remind myself when I am in the deep deep down place that the light is still there, It never leaves. I just have to search for it, and once I find it I am free. Listening to music reminds me deep in my soul the truth that I live by. "I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ, so firm on his promise I'll stand"
Today I have found my light, hopefully it will shine bright for a while, Inevitably I will find myself in the dark place again, maybe next time I will remember to sing praise and quickly shine light in my dark place.
