Speaking life

I feel like I am discovering things about myself as I am raising my daughters.  Girls are sensitive, this is a fact.  It doesn't matter how "tough" a girl can be, somewhere deep inside is a sensitive soul.  As a mother, it is my duty to nurture, respect, love, and guide this sensitive soul into a woman.  Hopefully a wonderful, sweet, positive, giving soul. 

Yesterday was eye opening to me.  Children interpret things in their young fragile innocent minds different than what we as parents might be trying to say.  Let me paint you a little picture,

It was a long day, raining all day the children were cooped up inside, I had 2 clients (both colors), so needless to say I was busy.  This is an understatement.  I struggle to entertain them and not feel guilty about letting them watch TV while I work.  I juggle cleaning, changing, dressing, feeding, cleaning again, working, feeding, cleaning, napping, cleaning more, prepping for next client, working, snacking kids,  and by 6 oclock when my last client left, my plans for supper were ruined because I didn't have time to make anything and I was going to call to order food and get dave to pick it up (he works till 6) but I didn't even have time to call because my client was at my house right till 6.  hmm.... what to make... children are hungry, layla is screaming and clinging to my pant leg while I try to rummage and make something quick.  Ok, macaroni... soup... toast.. grilled cheese...???? ok, I have 3 cans of tuna... Tuna melts it is.  This is fine, I am ok with this... however I am not ok with the screaming baby attached to my leg, and the cranky 3 year old that won't stop asking me for a freezie.  I finally get things on the table, dave walks in the door at 6:25 and I am just about ready to crack.  Now dinner in our house is interesting, Gabby eats anything she is not picky at all however she is still the slowest eater in the world, and wants to watch movies while she eats.  I know, bad parenting again, however I cannot at this time deal with anymore screaming and whining and need 5 minutes of quiet.  So I say to Gabby "Please Gabby, Mommy just needs 5 minutes to herself, please be quiet for a minute ok, mummy has had a very long day and I just need 1 minute of quiet"  she proceeds to crumple to the floor under the table and starts crying quietly.  I pull her up and inquire "what's the matter babe? What are you so upset about?" she sniffles and replies, "I'm sad because mummy doesn't like me anymore"  =(   I am shocked, how did she come to this conclusion? I right away pull her into my lap and look her into the eyes and reply "Gab, mummy LOVES you! I love you so much, please don't say things like that, do you understand how much mummy loves you?"  she nods, I can't see how she can doubt that love, I literally smother my children.  I am going to be that mom that is kissing cheeks and giving squeezie hugs (thats what they are called in the sohnchen home) till they are 28 and even then,  I will still find a way to sneek them in.  

I began to reflect this morning,  how do the things we say shape our children.  I can tell you from my own experience that cruel words that are meant to tear a spirit apart, will do just that.  no matter what age.  I am slowly putting the pieces together.  I have always been aware of my past, of my family growing up and of the things that were said and done.  I thought I left it behind, I thought I could turn my back and start a new life with my family.  However it is sad how naive one can be.  Not aware of the threads of self doubt, self worth and lack of confidence that are weaved into such a young life.  It's sad that so many children aren't cherished, aren't made to feel like they are the center of their parents world.  Words were spoken into my life, many words.  Many things were done to make me feel inferior.  Definitely not worth anyone's time.  Somewhere within me I always had a small voice rebuking these harmful words and instead speaking comforting kind words into my soul.  I thought this was enough to guard my heart.  I thought I could get through it unscathed.  Now that I am an adult,  I see the repercussions of the negativity that blanketed the young blonde green eyed innocent girl.  I feel it in my relationships, my friendships and the way I feel about myself. 

It doesn't take much to make a child feel unloved.  I just hope that with all the screw ups I make as a parent, letting them watch too much TV, eat snacks when the shouldn't be, stay up past their bed time, whatever it may be.  There will be lot's of messing up, I am not a perfect parent.  I PRAY my children know my love for them, the way I cherish their smiles, the way I crave to hold them and feel their warmth and heart beat, the way I would love to kiss their cheeks all day long, the joy that their laughs and giggles brings to my soul, the twinkle in their eyes that could light up any room, their soft sweet beautiful hair, their little toes and ticklish belly buttons.  I could go on and on, I LOVE MY CHILDREN.  I wish as a little girl I was able to experience the love like I have for them.. I wonder what kind of person I would be.  I can only learn from my past, and tell my children as often as I can how much I cherish them, and hug and kiss them till they can't take it anymore.  =) 

There's a hole in my tank

So here's the problem, there is a hole in my tank.  You know the tank I'm talking about, the one that you know is full when you wake up in the morning and have a smile on your face, look at thing positively, have overflowing patience(OK... Those that know me know this is never a fact) but none the less, energy, delight in your children, just that over all feeling of great.  OK so maybe that is unrealistic.. but lately I seem to be creeping along the line of the opposite.  I wake up, take my earplugs out because I have been up 2-3 times at night and have to resort to earplugs after I can't take it anymore, drag myself out of bed, put on some ugly sweat pants and enter the world where I will hear crying every 5 minutes, mommy every 3 minutes and get possibly 20 minutes to myself in the whole day.  Now I know that many of you are thinking, "Well welcome to it! this is the life of a mom." I understand that to be a mother it takes all that you are. Literally.  You can lose your identity,  lose your passion, lose the "fun" and get wrapped up in CHILDREN.  Everything in my day revolves around other people, kids, clients, friends, husband.  And after I clean up from dinner and a long day, I put the kids to bed and sit down feeling empty and slightly numb to what my life has become.  I am not trying to spew negativity here, and I am definitely not looking for a pity party I just am looking for a little sparkle to my somewhat dreary life.  I WISH MY TANK WAS FULL.  I wish I could lay down at night feeling peace and not exhaustion, I wish I could wake up in the morning and be excited for an adventure with my kids, and not be counting the hours till Daddy gets home at 6:30.  I wish I had a house cleaner so I didn't have one more thing on my plate to do.  I could wish for many things but the fact is that I will never get there if I don't take a step forward off of the the line of desperation.  Today my hope comes from this "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Mathew 11:28 *thankful for a soft place to fall, even if its only for a moment*

Technology is ruining my life

Ok, this is going to be honest... really were you expecting any less from me =) It might sound like a little bit of a rant, a personal rant but none the less it needs to be said.  FACEBOOK IS TAKING OVER MY LIFE.   there I said it.  Judge me all you want, but I'm just being honest.  I feel like a drug addict, only my drug of choice is in the form of a 21 inch apple.  Sneaking off to check if someone wants to communicate with me, comment on a picture,  showing some interest in something I have to say, or something I have done.  BAD KELSEY< BAD BAD BAD.  The problem is this, dangle the temptation in front of someone and there is no way to resist.  keep the cookies in the cupboard and you will eat one.. or 5 if you are me =)  The point is our computer has found a nice cozy spot in the middle of our living room, staring at me all day, tempting me... come.. closer... just for a minute.... I have something to tell you......... then BLAMO!  I waste another 5..10.. 15 minutes of my day.  Ughhh I gross myself out.  I feel like a bad mom.  Don't get me wrong, its not like I am neglecting my kids, more like their rooms lol... I do a relatively good job of keeping my house under control but the bedrooms could use a little work.  Maybe its because they feel like dungeons.  Even though I tried to decorate Gabby's room light and girly, it still seems to make me feel claustrophobic.  It's one of those rooms that you walk in and look around and don't know where to begin.  Kid's have so much stuff!!!! and Believe me, my kids don't even have much stuff but already its too much.   Especially after christmas and 2 birthdays... there is stuff everywhere. OH and laundry.. my dreaded nemesis.  I don't mind the "act" of doing laundry, smelling the fresh soap, adding a little downy, even folding, I turn a little Ellen on and get my fold on.  Its the dreaded putting away that I cannot bring myself to do.  This is the issue... Ok time out.... This will all come together in a minute, I know you are thinking, I thought we were talking about facebook?... we are getting there lol.   So back to the dreaded laundry basket overflowing with little socks onsies and girly odds and ends, enter into the dungeon... this task would probably take me 3.5 minutes, but instead I waste my 3.5 minutes creeping on facebook... LAME.  This is where I feel like a bad mom.  I know everyone has a place in their home that when someone shows up at their house they quickly sweep the area and throw things into that "drawer" or "closet" or in my case Laylas room lol.  poor babe, living like a hoarder amongst her clothes, diapers, toys, princess tent.  Too bad she didn't ask for any of it, well she did ask for the diapers =) OK, now the question is... How to stop.  Facebook seems to be the only way to communicate lol... well especially for someone like me that is a bit socially awkward...  AWKWARD? you think to yourself? Mrs outspoken?... yes awkward. Not always, not if you really know me, but I am definitely not a talk on the phone person, So I need to come up with a way to monitor the time on facebook, really if I am being honest, it's not a long period of time that I am on the computer it's just that its right there in front of me, so 1-5 minutes every hour is a lot from 7 in the morning till 10 at night adds up. I could definitely put away a few loads of laundry =) Thoughts? Suggestions? Believe me, I have thought about moving the computer, but if you have been in my house you will quickly realize why it is where it is.  We live in .. let's just call it.. close quarters =) 

Marriage under fire

Here is what I am learning, children aren't easy, marriage isn't easy, work isn't easy, life isn't easy... So what?  Does this mean you give up? Does this mean you walk out on your family? Does it mean you make wine your best friend instead of your husband?.. well maybe a little on that last one =)  But really,   It is hard, but it is not impossible.  This is where I am at.  My next wish is that there was support out there for people that are struggling,  guidance as a family grows, a marriage grows, a woman grows.  I still feel like everyone is in there own bubble pretending that everything is alright, and behind doors they are wondering if they are the only one that feels like they could just leave dinner in the oven and walk out on their family for a few hours.  I know I am not the only one.  I know I have said that as mothers we need to support each other and offer encouragement instead of judgment, this is still true.  But today is a different note,  I think that older, dare I say wiser lol, couples should mentor younger couples and guide them through the rollercoaster that a marriage is.  Now I know that not everyone is going through the SAME things, but really most of the "feelings" are the same, actions affect us in the same way.  I wish there were mentors that walked through the journey with us, telling us what they went through and showing us how they dealt with it, giving us a glimpse into the years to come.  Instead of scraping by wondering when this stage will end, I would like a rough estimate of the issues I will face 5 years in, 10 years in, 25 years in... yes I plan on getting that far in =)!!! I love my husband, I may not like him at times, but he is my partner, my best friend, the father of my children and the other half of me.  I will never stop working on things, whether it's guided by someone's wisdom, or navigated by ourselves, we will figure it out.  Marriage is not something I take lightly and will not place blame on my husband for things that should or shouldn't be without first looking in the mirror and searching for my part in the situation.  I am trying to become the master of compromise,  marriage is nothing without compromise.  I hope that this encourages people to be open, I do not mean to divulge every last nitty gritty detail of your marriage, and talk poorly about your spouse and think that will help.  Conversations need to be constructive, and criticism needs to come with an well thought out answer to the situation.  It will not help to spew things that are not meeting your needs out of anger, without a way to solve the problem.  In voicing your needs to your partner I believe it should be respected, heard, and changed.  End of story.  If Dave says to me "I need to stay at work and be able to meet with people if they come in to talk to develop relationships" My response might be "Ok well then I am no longer going to be making supper for 5:30, supper will be at 6 whether you are home or not... and you better be home by 6 =) "  Instead of me being upset and waiting and trying to keep supper warm, I will meet his needs and compromise to make supper later.  This is not going to kill me, it's not ideal, but it is not impossible!  Its in the little things that a great foundation is built, start with small issues and work on communicating your way up to the big things.  I think that if you make a rational concern and voice that in a constructive loving manner, the other person cannot disregard it.  This is disrespectful to the marriage and the other person... not cool.  Peace and Love people =)
OK, I think I am done my marriage seminar now lol, Thanks for tuning in, hopefully this is encouragement for my friends and I have said it before I am pretty much an open book! I am not afraid to share my struggles and my victories! If anyone needs any support or wisdom from some one that has been together for almost 10 years and married for 5 two kids and a lot of compromise I am your girl!!!! XX

-K

4 am

Why must we meet every morning, before the sun has even begun to rise? Why won't you sleep? What is going on that I cannot seem to help you with?  All this does is add to my lack of patience and feelings of frustration.  The war against feeling like a failure as a mother is slowly being lost, one battle at a time.  Why does my one year old not sleep.  People will continue to attempt to support me with a blanket of "it will pass, hold on", but when for the last 11 months of your life you have not gotten more than 4-5 hours of good sleep, you will begin to doubt this passing.  I keep thinking of things I should be doing with this time, seeing as it is going to be a part of my life forever it seems.  Maybe I should exercise?Read?Bath?Bake?Blog?... Obviously not try to sleep.  This will be disrupted every 3-8 minutes with a crying child, that you have repeatedly tried to soothe.  You will not try to wake your husband because why should both of you not sleep?  Why is it that as a mother you decide that you will suffer for your family?  I will not let her cry it out when my husband is starting a new job and needs his sleep,  I'm too good of a wife for that... or am I? When lack of sleep wears down on me every day, to my core, I stagger through my days, minute to minute trying to keep everything together and everyone accounted for.  Who is taking care of me?  There are moments that I am trying to, attempting to "put myself first", like taking time out a few days a week to get out of the house and exercise, great, now I'm even more tired.  At this point if I have to listen to my baby scream one more time, I am going to permanently leave to exercise, no matter how tired I am.  Why can't I fast forward to when I am having to wake them up in the morning and drag them out of bed.  I am not forgetting that with every age comes different trials, but I feel I would be better equipped to deal with the trials of having a one year old and three year old to deal with every day if I was getting a wee bit of sleep.  Just for the record.. it's 6:11 and It has now been quiet for 9 minutes... hopefully she will stay that way.. as for me, I will go start the coffee, the three year old will be up very shortly.

a moment

I title this "a moment" because that is exactly what I need right now before I walk out and leave it all behind.  Am I the only one that has days where you want to rip your hair out?  Maybe I am not built to be a mother, sometimes I wonder.  I know that patience is not my best attribute, but the way the last week has been going for me I don't know how much patience I would need to cope in a sane person manner.   My children have colored on walls, peed their pants, hid food around the house, fallen out of their beds,  rubbed peanut butter all over the t.v, stepped in the popcorn bowl and walked around the house, and that is just a touch of the chaos.  I AM ALMOST READY TO QUIT.  However I will not.  I'm just not sure how to balance my sanity with the normalcy of crazy children.  You see I know I am not the first parent to have their child rub peanut butter on their TV.  But I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see how they reacted when it happened.  I seem to have moments when I can handle it with a breeze and then there are times like this afternoon.  I don't need to paint a picture for you, just take my word for it.  I don't think I am a bad parent, I just don't know how I am supposed to learn to deal with those times that you think might just destroy you.   *QUE ATTEMPTED DEEP BREATH*.... ok. I still don't really feel any better, but the good news is tomorrow is another day.  And I pray its a better one.

A new me

So I have decided that 2011 will be a time to figure out who Kelsey is again.  I feel as though I have been on this journey for a while, it seems as though when you become a mother you tend to get lost.  Lost in the laundry, cooking, wiping.. just in general =),  caring, nurturing, and the list never ends.  Now that I feel like the chapter of birthing children is over lol, I figure it is time to dedicate a little bit of attention to my needs as well! So I have made some steps towards that, signed myself up for a fitness bootcamp ( 8 weeks) and our competitive Volleyball team season starts at the end of January as well.  Then after bootcamp I signed up for a month of HOT yoga!! Which I LOVE by the way, I have only done it twice, but let me tell you, silence for an hour in a peaceful hot room is devine! I am accompanying this with some new recipes (We all know I like to cook/bake!) and hoping for a few changes to the pant size!! here is a sneak peek of what I have been cooking up!